20 April 2012
So the ceiling started to slowly evaporate, like the mist on a car window when you breathe onto it, and draw a smiley face. There were butterflies gently fluttering around the room, which seemed to be expanding as each second went by. Their vibrant colours stayed in my mind all throughout this 45 minutes of pure bliss, eventually disappearing into the depth of the rainbow colours surrounding me. When I looked down, the ground looked like a cloud of brightly coloured hexagons, drifting away from my feet. It was only then i noticed it. The tall, wooden object that had once been my door, was now a window into a swirling dimension. As tempting as it was to go and explore the mysterious world, a sharp feeling of fear suddenly struck me. In fact, I was now terrified of the possibilities, having no control with what my mind makes up. Everything that came into my mind, was suddenly a realistic form in front of me. Trying so desperately hard to keep the bad things out of my mind, i just couldn't. I was tripping hard, and the distressing nightmares that used to haunt me as a kid, all came rolling back. I found myself running through the door, not even realizing that it was supposed to be a parallel universe. In the centre of the dark, chilling room, was a splintered mirror, perched upon a wooden slab. The surroundings were dark and empty, it was freezing. There was a strong sensation that there was someone in the room with me. I could see myself, looking weak and vulnerable, my eyes heavily drooping, but pupils large and alert, staring back at myself in discomfort. As I lifted my hand up to stroke my dry, skeletal pale face, i realized what was happening to me. I had aged around 50 years. As I observed myself further, I there was suddenly a strong tightening in my skin, the wrinkles started to fade at a fast rate, my eyes lifted back and returned to their normal, glossy self. My hair grew back its shiny locks, once again rested on my shoulders. I had my figure back, everything was normal again. The insane agonising thumping in my head had vanished, there was no more colours and rotating shapes around me. I was just sitting in my bedroom. Yes, this was my first LSD experience.
In the real world, my life began to evaporate into nothing too. The only thing that made me feel real was drugs. The thrill of knowing the real world would suddenly be dropped and let go into nothing, all the bad feelings turned into good and carless ones, all the confidence i never had, i now had. Its always better when theres a clean person there, just so they have a honest straight story to tell after your trip has ended. I would fall about laughing at all the crazy things I had apparently done and said, and the best yet, sometimes its all caught on camera. Sobriety seemed like an impossible goal for me. Iv’e never thought about it before, because the word ‘drug’ seems awful and dirty, when I think of a drug addict on the street, I know im not like that. But on the other hand, whats the difference between an old man sitting on the street addicted to cocaine or heroin, then a group of teenagers high, vandalizing town centers and robbing the 24 hour Tescos when theres only one person working a shift.
Iv’e met a lot of people since iv’ve been on drugs. People that are now my good friends, and people that provide me with more drugs. Its all a vicious circle really. The people that I left behind for my new friends can’t even look at me in school nowadays. Me personally, I think that they’re missing out on loads of fun, its the way to live your teenage life, because im obviously not going to be on drugs when im older. I want a family, I want a husband with kids, and a nice house and a good job. My new closest friend, Jimmy, told me that he would never be in a relationship with a girl who has even touched drugs, but still im his best friend. I used to like Jimmy this time last year, before I tried drugs and alcohol, and before I knew he did this kind of thing on a regular basis. One time we kissed, and continued getting closer from there, but he made it pretty clear that he didn’t like me in that way.
You know I haven't actually described myself yet, im far from perfect is a sentence i’d use for myself. Well Im 5,7 which I like being, I guess I have a good figure, im not fat. I have long black hair, and dark brown eyes, which you could say are black. People call me owl eyes. The one thing I would change about myself are my boobs. I think that they’re too small, far too small! But that pretty much sums me up. Jimmy is gorgeous. He’s tall, fit, AMAZING! Whenever we’re having a conversation, I get confused with words, because im so lost in his eyes. I got to admit, Jimmy did get me into drugs, but the main reason is because I grew up in a town where everyone knows your name, what you do, and who your friends with. I wanted everyone to know that I wasn’t scared of drugs, and that I would do daring things like them. Our group plans when we next do drugs, this time we’re doing ecstasy. Iv’e never done it before and I was scared. I had about 2 days before the due date, at first I just wanted to stay at home and cherish my surroundings as I knew I could possibly die. On a night, my mum came in later on after her girly piss up,
“ Natasha, Natasha!! Get to your room now, I can’t bear to talk to you, fucking idiot girl. “
“Mum just go to bed, please. Iv’e had a rough day..”
Thats when I heard her fall into my room, tearing down posters and throwing things out the window. “YOU SICK BITCH, YOU SICK BITCH. I SAW YOU SMOKING ON THE STREET NATASHA, SMOKING YOURSELF TO DEATH.”
“Umm.. I’m sorry mum, but you smoke too?” I replied.
The sound of my things breaking on the ground made me switch each time, I was afraid that if I went in there i’d get caught up in my mums rage and get hurt. She tried to gather all my clothes and stuff them into a Tesco’s bag.
“ Your kicking me out? For smoking? Seriously? Holy shit mum when you sober up and remember this tomorrow you’ll feel stupid. “
“N-no I f-fucking won’t Nat-Nat-Natasha, g-get out before I pick you up and t-throw you out with my b-bare hands ha-ha.”
The only thing I could do was take the bag and leave with the little bit of dignity I had left.
So there I was, out on the street, it was absolutely freezing. I found myself staring out onto a road, whih was packed with hundreds of cars, and a pavement that was bustling with pedestrians. I imagined if a druggy approaching me, I would be terrified. It was as if I was scared of myself. As I walked around, on guard constantly, I thought about people in my life that I once knew, I thought about my old friends, old crushes, then I thought about Jimmy. When his name came up in my head, all the bad feelings suddenly were drawn to him. It was ALL his fault that i’ve ended up this way. Reaching in my pocket, I felt around for my bag of weed. It was the only thing I really had left if im honest. Sitting myself down, perched on a doorstep of a old, run down kebab shop, there I was rolling a good old joint. The smell of cannabis was sure to relax me. It was the spliff iv’e smoked yet, the tense, angry emotions turned into calm, great ones. My breath fascinated me, it felt like I was blowing out ice, and then watching it fade away into the dark blue sky above me. I imagined if the smoke could come out a different colour, it would look magical. At this moment in time, I could see the whole of my crappy little town, all its christmas lights, all the warm happy safe people in their houses with their families. I can happily say, I wasn’t jealous one tiny bit. I felt independent for once, standing on my own two feet. ‘Don't be afraid Tash,’ I said to myself, helping me to get to sleep. Eventually, I drifted off into a cold, sad sleep, curled up in a ball on the pavement. No one there to give me a hug, or say goodnight. I just had myself from now on.
The next morning was dreadful, it was 10am. Luckily I could check the time, because I had my phone on me. Wow my feet were cold. It felt as if the souls of my shoes had disintegrated, and i was walking on thick ice. Tomorrow was the day I was meant to be doing ecstasy, and the thought of that surprisingly seemed good. I would be warm, I would be with friends, I would be safer than being out here. The day was a struggle, I managed to find a warm caffe, full with people, and warmth. The moment I stepped in, I could feel the pity of strangers, it wasn't a feeling of disgust though, it was more sympathy and sadness, it made me feel happy. I chose the table furthest away from people, so they couldn’t smell me, look at me, or talk to me. I was a new me. Independent. Mature. Mysterious. I would of done anything to stay in that caffe over night, sitting by that warm cosy radiator. I sat in there all day, the happiest Id been in ages, the time went quickly, and it was time for me to leave, back out into the coldness. At least the next day would be awesome. So back to my corner I went, to my corner step like a girl that was being punished. Ironic isn't it. Out the corner of my eye I could see frost forming on my eyelashes, and on that cold note, I fell asleep.
Exactly the same as the last morning, but colder. I now had exactly £11. I met Jimmy at about 4:00 at a park nearby, he had some weed with him to get us ‘warmed up’ “You look terrible!” He said. “Yeah, e-ermm, iv’e just had a rough morning, nothing to worry about..” “ I wasn’t worried, just saying.” My heart sank when he said that sentence. I knew he didn’t care about me the slightest bit. But things got worse, a tall, beautiful girl from the distance walked over, her long white hair blowing back in the wind, I could see her figure, it was to die for. She even had big boobs. Her eyes were bright blue, her face was skinny but perfect. I literally just died inside. I knew what I looked like right now, like a tramp. My unbrushed hair, uncleaned face, smudged eyeliner, dirty teeth.
Escaping The Life Of Mine • Opuss № I