11 June 2012
Q. What would you do if I cheated on you?
A. Well, I'll give you two answers.
What I hope I would do is to tie up loose ends, then leave you. All done. Piece of delicious easy cake.
What I know I might do is be under shock while we talked. Not believing what had happened, did happen. And as you keep apologizing I try to be understanding and try to pull the 'everyone-makes-mistakes' card out of my short sleeved shirt, but in reality whatever you are saying is half or more empty and all the lightweight words are floating in one ear and out the other whilst I think back and realize now why you haven't been talking to me lately or why you kept saying you are always busy and don't have time.
I would know that after we were done talking and I had half heartily forgiven you even though I did not mean it. I would verily cliche spend sleepless nights either staring in the darkness in my anxiety and turmoiled insides keeping me awake, or I would cry. No fancy wording needed. No metaphor or hidden meaning it symbol in each tear that would fall. No. As plain as I could say it. I would CRY. And I would cry as hard I can as much as I can, because as simple as I could put it, I would just be damn well upset and betrayed and heartbroken. No metaphor. No fancy wording. It would be just be how I said it. You don't need to read in between the lines.
And y'know. It's not as if we hadn't been together for a long time. No it's okay. Building trust and keeping it for that long doesn't have to be taken serious. S'kay.
And it's not as if you didn't know about my last relationship that had an unfaithful partner also. It's okay, taking the time to trust you to not make the same mistake he did only for you to break that doesn't matter.
Oh and when morning hits, no lie, I'd cry some more and start thinking about what I did wrong or if I wasn't pretty enough to provoke you to find someone else and I'd feel everything that would break a woman and make her insecure and alone and all around just terrible feeling inside.
I wouldn't talk to anyone about this, but for some reason I would talk to you about it and I would think that talking to the one who hurt me about that person hurting me, would help me feel better. Makes sense, right? But not this time, your words would just be that light, and actually, I think the whole time I just would be trying to convince myself that you loved me and that it never happened while you are telling me these empty words and fooling myself to believe them.
All day everyday I'd be keeping to myself, alone. Crying over betrayal and crying over not wanting to be alone again even though I would purposely make myself be. Alone.
I would feed on my loneliness and hurt. Because that's all I would have left after another broken and unfaithful relationship while I think to myself whether or not I am good enough, whether or not I am pretty enough.
So if you did cheat on me, I'd probably do the latter. But hey, at least it'll keep me occupied for a long, damn long time.
Okay, darling, I'll talk to you some other day. You are busy after all.
Inside A Woman's Mind Pt.1: Cheating • Opuss № I