4 September 2012
Listen to my sad tale and let me know what you would do...
I met her on a beach about 4 years ago. The breeze kissed lightly through her hair, slightly tainted with salt and ambre solaire.
She wore a red dress, especially for the summer, I knew when I saw her that I'd be her lover.
She was on a girls holiday with a big group of friends. They were drinking Bacardi breezers, tequila and smoking fags to the end. She was sat on the beach reading a book, it was one I'd read before and hadn't particularly enjoyed but i thought it would spark a conversation. We talked for hours and put the world to rights. I smoked some gauloise, she bucked at the smoke.
Nothing happened on holiday, but when we returned we slowly became friends. Soon we became lovers, I stopped smoking, I found a new love for photography, she taught me about books. My friends would look at me and behind my back they'd curse.
She was sensible, sensible, more sensible than me. Made my foolish antics a bit of a mockery. But that's why I loved her, because she loved my foolish antics. She just didn't care that she was so posh and I was working class fair.
She's the kind of girl who would try and catch a bee in a glass and throw it out of the window, rather than take a jackhammer to it and smash the life out of it. She'd come from a good family, she grew up in the forces. Man , this girl I loved grew up in the forces. She's good stock you know, worth a bob or two, but that's not why I loved her, and her me too.
3 years passed, life was great. We went on holidays to Corsica, Milan but I drew the limit at San trope! My friends loved her, my family thought I'd lucked out, I started living with the calmest, sweetest princess, good shout, good shout. She'd bring things to the flat, give it a womanly touch, scatter cushions, throws and all of that tat. I was happy, I was the king bee.
So there's a loved up her and a loved up me, sitting through life together like two pods and no pea, I look at her, she looks at me, no words are needed, we're gonna start a family.
I whisk her off, to the place in the sun, Where she was wearing that red dress, where our loving begun. This time there's no books, no tequilas , no friends,no bad poetry. There's just me, grinning, I'm down on one knee.
YES YES YES she says.
We return home and start living our lives again. We're both full on at work saving hard for our special day together. She's working late to get that promotion that she's been thinking about for the last few years. They continue to exploit her, but I take her in my arms, she carries on through the tears.
The wedding is not far off now . Her dress arrived , I can tell from her smile. Her parents come to stay, I don't quite get them. I put it down to their wealth and strangely perceptions. She fusses after them, she's strangely on edge, she disappears for a few hours. My dad was with us too. I take him to the pub.
Her parents visit again and again. We end up sleeping on the living room floor, her mum is a real pain. It's all right though as we're getting married. It's all right that I feel a little strange though isn't it. Cos we're getting married?
I brush it off.
She keeps on working, later and later, I didn't know those shifts could last so long, is she on the escalator? I doubt it, I fear it, I think she's bring taken for a ride. Working every hour instead of being here by my side.
Work, parents, wedding , success, future, guests, kids, career, family, family, kids, parents, work, work, success.
Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring!
"hello mr jones, do you know a Paula smith?"
With a flash, a lightning bolt, I'm in the car to find my baby. My mind is racing with thoughts so crazy. What has happened, what has happened to her today?
I speak to the officer and read through the reports. I speak to the officer I can't believe my thoughts. She was caught in the fast lane, doing 125, windows down, lights OUT, why, why, why? They tell me she thought she was on a mission, to stop a terrorist attack, she thought she was on a mission to hell and back. She thinks she's special forces and has a power or two. She's been hiding this secret, tucked away from you.
125 on the M25 125 on the M25 125 on the M25 No lights, no care, no nothing.
I try to speak to her through the hole in the door, when I'm told by her parents about her bi polar disorder.
What, what, what? How, why, her????? This can't be happening to me, how can this have been so hidden? We're getting married.
She's taken to hospital fit some weeks. Not the normal kind of course, but the ones we don't like to talk about. No place for a posh girl.
She's staying with the lost, neglected and abused, She's staying with the people degraded and confused. It's ok though they got medication. "Take a pill for this love"!
It makes her feel weak, dull, tired and suppressed. She's not herself, she hates this, she'd rather be free and crazy than shacked, bound and sane.
Then it all comes out. She's had these 'episodes' before, once, twice, three times. It all becomes clear now, this is how she got divorced before. But I still love her, I don't blame her.
I blame her friends, her family. How could they sit back and let me wallow in my blissful ignorance waiting for the time bomb to explode. I was getting married in2 weeks. They just let it unfold.
Now in left here. Im sad, not resentful. I was going to have a family but now her belly's empty.
If I stay with her then I'm no longer her lover. I'll give her the pills, take the credit card away, worry, resent and look over my shoulder. I'll be waiting for the bomb to tick tick tick.
If I leave her, I'm racked with guilt. I should be a better, stronger man, support her in this time of need. But I don't want to look back in 10 years time, with a baby in my hand, with a diseased mind. I'll be forever waiting for that phone to ring. Asking me gently if I'm next of kin.
What should I do?
Love Her Or Leave Her? • Opuss № I