1 November 2012
You've probably heard of him before, his name might send shivers up your spine, chill you to the bone, maybe even remind you of that restraining order that never seemed to work or of your time in the Witness Protection Program. Yes, folks, Ralph is back. He is back for revenge and has a hit list of almost every single person on the planet, from Korean ministers to unsuspecting Mexicans, bisexual hotel managers to elderly ice cream venders and even Britney Spears. He has many new methods of torture, as well, his favourite involving the horrific labour that is listening to Justin Bieber sing. As you can see, dear humans, Ralph is indeed cruel and merciless to a level that has only ever been seen before during the Cold War. Ralph! Aha! I saw you jump in your seat at the mere mention of his name.... Ralph! There, see, you did it again! This just goes to show how terrible he really is. A word of advice, dear mortals, keep your windows shut, your curtains drawn and your doors locked. If you let him into your home, you are on ground zero of a nuclear war zone, in other words, you're dead meat. No one can save you if that happens, not the police, not the fire department, not your best friend's dog and certainly not Britney Spears. As you're reading this, you may be laughing, no one laughs when Ralph is after them, just ask your local Korean minster. That's right, he's dead. Knock, knock. I wonder who's there?
Ralph's Return • Opuss № I