11 February 2013
It's funny how many types of break downs you can get. How the lead up towards it makes you ready to snap in so many more ways than one.
Today, unfortunately, events of yesterday got to me. Where I ended up bending over as if I'd been punched in the stomach, then slid down the wall holding my face in my hands.
My friend stood there watching me, unsure if what to do. As I was crouching on the floor shaking my head, whilst repeating myself over and over again stuck in a loop.
"I can't deal with this. Not again. I can't deal with this anymore."
I didn't cry, because no matter what people say how crying is good when reaching breaking point, I can't physically cry. So I just stare, although a part of me just wants to giggle at how ludicrous I feel when I'm having a break down. So I can't cry. But I know I'll cry when I'm ready, and I am aware of how pathetic that sounds. And I hate myself for it, yet it's true.
My friend came crouched beside me and comforted me, holding me as I kept repeating myself. Calming me down thankfully.
I laughed with her after about how odd I sounded, how I seem like a mental nut, but I'd been pushed too far again, and this time I realised I couldn't keep dealing with it again and again and again.
Where his constant words wound me up, so I ended up with a high blood pressure breaking with rage, where I sometimes have ended up screaming out like a wounded animal. Something unlike me. Then calming down yet still bubbling inside where everything gets to me in the worse way. But I'm told that's what happens. Luckily that didn't happen to me today.
Eventually my friends words soothe me. And I snap out of my stupor. I can't help but thank her, yet she stops me telling me she's always there for me, and I tell her vice versa. Although I tell her I hate relying on her, hate being like this, because it makes me feel weak like I should be able to deal with this but I can't. Yet I know sensibly that someone my age shouldn't have to deal with this, that no one should. But she shuts me up quickly telling me to stop being silly.
I am thankful for the friends I've got, I am thankful for the ones who've stuck by me through the constant bullshit I have to deal with.
I am incredibly thankful for the support I have, because I know life would be a lot worse if I didn't.
I know how overly dramatic this sounds, but this is just me just writing how I feel into words.
Break Downs • Opuss № I