6 July 2012
Yep folks it's that time again...I'm on the period aka The Blob, On, The Usual or as I like to call it My Monthly Friend and Hubbies Nemesis. There is something primal about a period, I turn into the Tazmanian Devil off that cartoon! A primal woman is never to be underestimated, they are a force of nature fellas that you won't win against. After the period has gone you will once again have your lovely partner or wife returned to you. Remember fellas this could help you in some way...think of this as a self help guide of understanding your woman better.
I'm usually calm and placid and my general demeanour is one of happiness and smiles, my voice is quite high, a bit like Mickey Mouse on acid, however when my Monthly Friend moves in, my voice is like the girl of Exorcist when provoked.
Driving is always a bit of a problem when on a period, I simply lose all ability, and parking is dire, I'm usually good but I can't park for toffee when I'm on. It's like my arms are being manipulated by a puppet master and mother nature is pulling the strings (no pun intended for tampon users).
Of course you do get the women who say they don't get any symptoms at all, that they are perfectly fine whilst on a period. Well I've come to believe that these women are in fact Cyborgs. I always feel just blurgh...no energy, and bloated, to me it's like Pat Butcher proportion but I'm probably being melodramatic because I'm on.
Of course my long suffering hubby tends to feel the full force of my period, it used to be my brother but he happily handed over the baton to my husband. My brother loved to wind me up when I was on and more often than not it would end up like a Tom and Jerry cartoon sketch, with e chasing him all around the house. Me and hubby are much more like the tv programme 'My Family' now, so progress has been made my end. Although hubby is NOT allowed to eat crisps or chew gum near me when I'm on as I simply want to smack him one as he sounds like a bloody Saint Bernard dog slobbering and slacking his lips, that's a trigger factor for me to shove the crisps and gum where the sun don't shine, then for good measure put his face there too!
Of course this is all very amusing if not slightly annoying for my hubby and once he dared to air his thoughts...."What's the matter with you?, millions of women have periods and they cope fine" I actually put this on Facebook and I honestly thought there was going to be a lynch mob and that he was going to have to be moved to a safe house! Poor thing...I'd like to give him hope but he has the menopause to look forward to next.
I'm a big softie really and can be emotional, sensitive even but my Monthly Friend reduces me to a Grizzler, I only thought Nans did such things...but I do tend to grizzle over silly things such as a cereal advert or my bread is slightly stale or my sausage is smaller than everyone else's...you get my drift! Yep the period is a terrible infliction, I personally think that we should have evolved to hibernate whilst on a period, that way no harm would come to you or anyone else and car parks would be a safer place. Maybe I'll start a petition to God????
Oops I Did It Again...Pat Butcher, Blobbing And Loss Of Ability To Drive • Opuss № I