1 August 2012
Yesterday I spoke with the most famous villain hunter in all of Opussia - Major Magpie. Although well past his prime, he still effortlessly delivers his signature humiliation move - the super wedgie. His dark persona and menacing look terrify me. I ask him to describe the rollercoaster life of a villain hunter. His gravel voice sends shivers down my spine.
"Villain hunting is a fine art. These clowns aren't stupid, they're out to get us by means necessary. You always have to be one step ahead. We lost many a good man fighting against evil."
His monocle falls to his chest, his eyes gravely drop to his arms. Bird tattoos cover every piece of skin I can see. He tells me "gangster pigeons" is an inside joke in the villain hunting world and each one represents a man lost. This is a very painful topic for him and the man scares me, so I change the subject, asking how he keeps strong and fit.
"I drink a glass of liquified hotdogs, tuna, raw egg, banana and orange, three times a day." he doesn't even flinch.
Trying to keep myself from getting sick, I cut the interview short and get out of there as quickly as I can. Next time, send Steve. Signing off, Amanda Goggles.
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