4 December 2012
Part 4 - Winter
"I've just had enough, I hate it..." His voice said softly behind his tears.
It was all I could do to hold him, gently yet firmly against my chest. "It'll be ok," I hoped, "They're sorting you out - this is a good thing."
Jack's face looked sunken, exhausted and depressed. He shook his head, "It never ends."
Helplessness consumed my gut, swarming in empty knots and making me feel nauseous. I couldn't help but think, this illness isn't everything - there is so much more to life... Why didn't he see that anymore? It was hard not to take it a little bit personally... Just because I wished our relationship could be enough, could make him strong.
"You're amazing to me, Lisa," He said, "I don't know what I would have done all these months without you."
I mopped fresh tears from his face.
"When I'm better we will do so many nice things... Long walks and picnics, go out and see the world..." It was almost like he was talking to himself now, in his deepening pre-med haze.
My throat felt thick, I couldn't swallow and tears streamed unhindered from my reddened eyes. His hand was cold in mine, like the cool blue skies outside. I tried to remember the warmth of summer, but it all seemed so faraway; trapped in an endless winter.
Someone coughed, "It's time to take you to theatre now,"
I reluctantly peeled my arms from around his shoulders, gently kissed his dry lips and watched them wheel him out of the room.
Only then did I allow myself to properly cry. The sobs shook my shoulders, stirred my gut and made my head feel full and heavy. I wasn't strong enough for this.
A tender hand rested on my shoulder, a nurse looking concerned, "Can I get you a cup of tea?" She tried to smile.
As I warmed my hands on the brew, I wondered if spring would ever come again and whether the man I loved would come back to me.
Another thought flickered across my mind; would I still be here when he got out? Should I be?
Choices in Love • Opuss № I