9 June 2012
You back-peddle. There is always that moment where you stop. Even if just for a second, you stand beside yourself and try to figure out if it's too late to go back. You are beside yourself with grief - do you think that's what they mean when they say that? It's that moment where you step outside of yourself and you are weighing up your options, you are sizing yourself up and choosing for yourself as someone else. Sometimes, it's easier making decisions if you know they're not for you.
It was when I was lying there. When it was too late; that I realised I chose wrong.
You always think if this happens, it will an embarrassing encounter and you will be cleaning up some horrible mess, you will be ashamed and you will be horrified that you could make such a mistake. You would not be looking for a silver lining; you would not be deciding. You would be reacting. You would be fixing what you had broken... and yet here, you are paused, you are thinking. You are horrified at yourself because you are not horrified by this.
I could've worked it out.
I did not want to be there. I could just leave. I wanted to leave. I could get up and get dressed and just walk out of there; but it was too late.
I was bleeding and it was just too late.
I took a personality test once. I was tired and couldn't concentrate, I chose all the answers I thought they would want to hear; so the results said I was a people pleaser, that I would always choose the right answer, not because I knew it was right, but because I know what people want from me. I guess that's why I always test well. It's easier to find out what someone else wants, than trying to figure things out for yourself.
I never realise what I want, until it's too late... and now I'm bleeding.
They're moving me down the hall and the bed is bouncing to the right. I focus on things that aren't important most of the time. Like, the cap they gave me was red and the anaesthesiologist was Irish. He is always Irish and it is always red. This was her favourite colour and I find comfort in knowing someone is looking out for me.
It's only with hindsight you realise you made a mistake.
Red • Opuss № I