nobody
Dad: Have you ever seen a Dinosaur? Mom: I daily see you. Me: *Staring at dad* Dad: What? Never saw a Dinosaur before? Me: Damn! (^-^)
This family don't know how to treat a house guest. They should at least offer me water before asking me how I got in and who am I.
Dear sidewalk, Please get wider... Sincerely, third friend walking behind feeling excluded.
Music teacher: "What is your favorite musical instrument?" Fat kid: "The lunch bell..."
When people ask me "How's life?", I sing them the chorus of Akon's Lonely while crying and slowly walk away.
I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by not getting any.
I just died from not passing on chain mail.
My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” & “Thank you”. So I responded “Please, shut up, thank you.”
"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."
Don't be racist. Be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber; Created by Japanese people, Who speaks English, And looks like a Mexican.
If a guy has a real long nose hair I grab & pluck it & make a wish. If a tear comes out their right eye first, it means my wish comes true!
My friend told me that "marriage ends with divorce". Stupid me! I always thought it ended with "e".
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking.. "Wow, I can teleport".
When I walked in the shop, the sign on the door said "Open." Now I can't leave, because it says "Closed."
Me: You're not a spy aren't you? Who sent you? Why is your face so scary? Please don't kill me!! Boss: Get back to work or I'll fire you!!
I don't understand fast food. I've been eating it for years but I seem to be getting slower and slower.
Fast food restaurants were created so that people could eat while running from Chuck Norris.
I've just bought a guard dog and he's really good. Not been able to get inside my house for the past 3 days though.
Spongebob: “Can you hear me?” Patrick: “No, It’s too dark.” :D
Dreams won't come looking for you. That's why you have to chase them. Pursue them until they become reality, then hold on tightly.
I put on too much hair gel today that our office building cracked when I banged my head against it.
Saw a guy wearing a shirt that says "I'm just waiting for a better day" so I hugged him and whispered "it will never get better".
Before you can enter heaven or hell, you need to punch in the verification code so they can be certain that you're a real soul.
Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.
I'd imagine the best parking spots in heaven are all reserved for people who didn't open potato chip bags upside down.
I have a pen which is blue, I have a friend which is you! Flowers will die, waters will dry, but our friendship will never ever say goodbye.
It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a cockroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
When I go to the barber, I hand him a note saying "I want a haircut." He thinks I'm deaf & never talks. Sometimes I even get a free haircut.
Sometimes I break eggs infront of chickens so that they tell me why the fuck they crossed the road.
Cinderella walked on broken glass, Belle loved a beast, Snow White barely escaped a knife, because love means facing your biggest fears.
I'm not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it's the only way to survive in this world.
I sat in my car, gazing at the Moon. Suddenly, a cop pulled up, parked & walked over. "What?" I asked. The cop replied, "Wanna hold hands?"
Crocodiles are just lizards on steroids.
The amount of nothing that I've done today is incredible, I didn't know I had it in me, I think I'll go take my break now. Whew!
I just sneezed so hard that one of my lungs landed on the table, curled up and said "I'm staying here until you apologize."
For one day each year it's Mother's Day. But for mothers everywhere, everyday is Children's Day. Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers, everyone elses mothers & most importantly, my beautiful mother. I love you mom. ❤
Fifteen minutes ago, I took a bottle from the fridge and left it on the table. Now it's sweating, worried it'll be recycled. So much drama!
My birth certificate was the first award I ever received for doing nothing.
Life is not a math problem that you can solve, its an obvious grammar mistake you can make fun of.
I saw a wiseass homeless guy holding up a sign that said, "I bet you won't give me a quarter". He won that bet.
My friend says he's good at Guitar Hero so he'd be good on a real guitar. Well, I'm good at Contra, so I guess I'd be awesome at Vietnam.
I just called my friend and asked why did he call me 8 months ago.
I'm so pissed at my friend for thinking I'm an indecisive person I'm not sure if I should stab him with a knife or a fork.
I wonder if when clowns have birthday parties for their clown kids do they hire a boring adult as entertainment.
My mother won’t let me smoke in her apartment so I have no idea where she lives.
A Rhino once tried to kill me but I said "stop it you're just mad because you're horny!" Then we laughed and killed some zebras together.
Well, my interview went well until a booger landed between us on the conference table. Don't know if it was mine or his.
They just did a fire alarm test at work, and I screamed so loud, it stopped and asked me if I wanted its job.
Cop: Whose Marijuana is this Ma'am? Grandma: Well, since you're holding it, it must be yours motherfucker.
My dad always told me to "do what you do best" and now he's angry at me for doing nothing. I don't get it.
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