23 December 2012
BREAKING NEWS! FATHER CHRISTMAS HAS MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHED!
Pippa Latipus reports. Yesterday evening, at 11:43, Mrs M. Claus, 839, noticed her husband, Mr S. Claus, 845, was not in their house in the North Pole when she went up to check if he was asleep. "I just went up there, and I say, 'Santa! Nick!', that's what I says, but there's no answer, so, o' course, I presume he's asleep. But when I's goes up, he's no where to be seen!" She claims that he said he went off to 'have a few drinks' at the nearest pub, 'The Reindeer and Wolf' at half past seven, but she thought she heard him come back. We asked the remaining reindeers, Rudolph, 23, and Old Mr Tim, 81, when they last saw him. "Mr Claus came in around nine-ish, and 'pimped his ride' (these new-fangled phrases), then he went out flying with the others" Mr Tim tells us. "Yeah, and he forgot to take me with him" Rudolph says. "That's because you can't fly, everyone knows that! They just put a clown nose on one of the others" says Mr Tim, letting us in to one of the best kept secrets of the Christmas world. We know he had quite a few bottles of whiskey, as Rudolph told us, and we found a smashed bottle on the floor. "He was quite drunk, and was wearing that awful brown jacket, the one with the hood." The Chief Elf tells us that according to the tracking device that is put in every one of the sleighs, he was last tracked near the Sognefjord in Norway at 3:17 am before the signal was cut off We asked residents of a nearby village if they had seen anything at that time if night. A young boy, 6, tells us he saw a man with a long white beard and a brown coat flying through the sky in a Land rover Discovery, pale silver, pulled by 7 reindeer. It was noted that it had seemed to be following a Coca-Cola delivery truck, and that the Land rover was filled with glass bottles, full of a golden-brown liquid. We have found tracks on the very same road that suggest a large, heavy vehicle had to swerve to avoid something, resulting in it over balancing. It left no more tracks, but we could not find the vehicle in question. A Coca-Cola truck making its way across the sea to Northern Canada was found filled with whiskey. The driver of the truck did not have a licence allowing him to transport this whiskey, and claims to have had no idea about the whiskey, or the brown quicksilver coat that was found draped on top of it. An empty, unowned silver Land Rover Discovery, with no licence plate has also been found on the ferry. Police suspect that a certain Mr S. Claus has been attempting to smuggle his own, illegally made whiskey over to Canada, as they have found a Christmas card addressed to Mr S. Claus from someone named 'Your Mistress, the sexy elf' and a bottle if the very same whiskey with a label proclaiming 'Made in Santa's Grotto' inside the Land Rover in question. A fellow passenger on the ferry tells us that '...whoever would do something like that just to make money must be a real aristobrat!' Police are on the look out for this suspect, but the only evidence they have found are seven toy reindeers with large fingerprints on.
The Opuss Gazette • Opuss № I