rainbow_marshmallow
Do I like pickles? No, not really anymore.
What is my favorite colors? Pink and black.
It didn't make sense, just pulling us in and then kicking us out of the vision. What was different? Lena reached over, folding the handkerchief over the locket. The dirty leather bracelet Amma had given Macon caught my eye.
Knock Knock Who's there? Amahl! Amahl who? Amahl shook up!
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and hav…
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them: Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes Bimbait - short skirts, sheer…
It was a jet black dog, or maybe a wolf. Some kind of scary house pet, because it wore a heavy leather collar around it's neck with a dangling silver moon that jingled when it moved.
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, …
A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she re…
The drowsy warmth was washing through my body, and to be honest, I couldn't have cared less what she was saying. It felt so good just to be near her, holding her hand, with only a thin white quilt between us.
*10 things in golf that sound dirty* 1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a go…
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: C…
While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you stil…
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional …
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them…
Knock Knock! Who's there?! Alec! Alec who? Alec-tricity, isn't that a shock!
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough.
Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row." Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrib…
The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?" "It's okay with me lady," said the plumber, "as long as you don't splash my sandwiches."
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams? Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so m…
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?" Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been…
Yo mamma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, …
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautif…
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16…
I wish my grass was Emo so it would cut itself.
Knock Knock Who's there? Abbott! Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door!
"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police."
*An older woman gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't…
"Two blondes are facing each other across a wide stream. One yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" The other blonde replies, "You are on the other side!" (No offense to all the blondes.)
The bartender says, "No, we have cherries and grapes but no olives." "Oh," says the duck and leaves. Five minutes later the duck returns and say to the same barman, "Have you got any olives?" "I told you before, we have cherries and g…
Teacher :What happened in 1809? Student: Abraham Lincoln was born. Teacher :What happened in 1819? Student: Abraham Lincoln was ten years old.
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible. I ignored my wife's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but I didn't realize …
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he…