27 April 2012

I've always been stuck in 2002-03. Her family found out about us. I fought all the kids n stuff for her already and now had to fight her family. She was going Bangladesh and I couldn't stop it. How could I I was so young only a kid. I kept saying to myself it'll be ok. Kept telling her it's gonna be alright. "you'll be back don't worry", "just say no to any offers of marriage". They first took her phone away. Then they emotionally blackmailed her saying she can't come back to the uk. Unless she gets married to her bhabi's little brother Rumel his name was. She called me and said would you take me back if I married him and came back. I said yes. But it was killing me. I turned to weed and cigarettes. She got married. She called me minutes before the wedding and after. I felt alone I couldn't do anything just cry that's it. I prayed for her went to the mosque. I called vodafone and made them turn her sim back on I spoke to the police the high commission everything. Still it was hard getting through to her. I was working at tk maxx at the time. She called me when I was at work and said "I've been raped", "he raped me", apart of me died that day. That's probably when I changed. I cried. Ran out of the house and went to the docks I had a ka'bah locket around my neck which I used to always wear. I through it into the water sat on the bench and just cried. I tried to move on after that. I used to get weird crank calls on my phone. I got so pissed off phoned her landline in Bangladesh and started swearing at her brother in law. Told him to tell her to leave me alone. They put her on the phone. I heard her voice after ages. I cracked. "I love you babz, I still love you". Would you take me back I asked her. She said yes! She sounded angry but said yes. When are you coming back? Next week she said. I was dying to see her. I was going out with some other girl at the time. A rebound called sophi. I told her best mate about it. She told me to move on. I couldn't I tried but couldn't. A few days later I got a call. "it's me". Hello you alright. I'll call you back. I thought it was sophi. It's me! Then it hit me. Babz how you doing. I missed you so much. Can I see you. "who's sophi". Get lost. I was mashed.

I went to itchen college to see her friend again. I gave her my phone I got on contract to give to babz. Forget her. She's married now she said. I can't please help me Ayesha I need your help please. She gave in. Took the phone. Gave it to babz. I called her on it. She told me to leave her alone. But she said she wanted to see me one more time. She was staying at her big sisters house in portswood. I went at 4:30 am. Walked there it was still dark. I called her when I got there. She opened her window upstairs. I said sorry to her. I went on my knees and held out my arms. I couldn't find any flowers but found some weeds on the grass below my knee. I picked them up and said I can't live without you babz I tried but I can't. She told me to get up. She said "I'm coming to the downstair toilet. I'll talk to you from there". She opened the window. I climbed in and just held her for hours. It was heaven. We were back. Fuck everyone else. We'll do it. We made plans to run. We had no choice. Me and my family went Manchester on that day I got the police to go to her house and bring her out. She stayed at a work friend of mines. I was in Manchester. Babz called me. I'm alone I wanna be with you. When are you coming? I left everything got some money off a friend jumped on a train went to babz. My work mate told us we can't stay. He's got guests coming around. We left that day. We had no destination. No one to turn to. It was scary but I had her with me. We were going to London. Babz called her sister to ask if we could stay with them. They came and picked us up. We stayed there for a while made plans to go back to my house after we get married. We got married and came back to my house. They let us in. I was over the moon. Then the politics began. My mum started calling her every word under the sun. I shouted at mum. What's wrong with you. Dad said ok let's go and see her family and sort this out. Great I thought. Let's make this good for everyone, why should I have my family only. She should have hers with her. I'll say sorry. We'll all move on. They had other idea's. They left her there. I just watched. I was paralysed. A few days went past. She called me. She was going to her sisters am I ready to run again. I was ready. But my grandmother died the next day. I told her to go I can't leave my family like this. But a week later she said I have to. And I did. We went back to her sisters to start a new life together.

We were doing what normal couples do. Looking for jobs. So we can move out. Inside I wanted to see what my family was doing. I was missing them. I hurt them. I didn't mean to but I know I did. She was speaking to her mum. But I wasn't in contact with anyone and it was killing me. She didn't want me to talk to them. Then I remembered Shaj was in London. I called him. I'll never forget his number I'm the one that gave it to him. His first phone. He came to see me. Told me mum and dad were ill. I had a big fight with babz about calling home. Then called home. Heard mum cry and dad cry for the first time. I had to see them. Babz and her family said I have to divorce her if I wanted to see them. I cried to babz please babz come with me. Things will be different. I knew she was scared what if things happened that happened before. She wouldn't give in I have to divorce her. I made my mind up I was seeing my parents with or without you. Wishing that she would change her mind. She didn't. I got on the train and saw my family. She called me a few hours later can she come back. Of course I said. She came back. Mum was nice to her this time. Dad jus ignored her but better than before though. Dad said he has to get us married in front of the community we were so happy. We made it! Her family told her if she went back to me from London then forget them. We invited them. They swore at mum and dad. We ignored them.

A month went past. I started having nightmares. I started seeing things when awake. Shadows. Things were going through me. I'd break down and cry for no reason. I was going crazy. I don't know why. I went to the doctors. They couldn't help me. I went to the imaam of the mosque. He done a istakhara. The thing attacked him. Tried to choke him. He couldn't make it go. One day babz was talking to her mum. I asked her why. Why after all the abuse we took. My family took. Obviously I understand now it's her mum. But I was mashed I was crazy. I started swearing at her. She started back at me and started poking me in the chest. Then slapped me. I slapped her back. I had lost it so had she. She started packing her bags. I was so angry. What you gonna leave me again!? This time I'm not gonna take you back! She said she had enough she doesn't ever wanna come back. I just watched. Mum tried to stop her. Dad stopped mum. He was happy. It was all a blur my head was screwed up. What's going on? She called a taxi and left. That's it. She called back a few days later I didn't pick up. Told everyone don't hand me her calls. She's playing with me. I was still getting attacked in my sleep. I was talking weird. I left for Bangladesh that week. Got married 6 months later out of anger, hurt, crazy, confused. But told myself I'm gonna look after this woman till I die. Even if I can't love her the same way. I've lost my emotions. Can't talk about stuff to anyone. The only thing that keeps me going is my 2 kids and my wife who doesn't deserve any of this. But it's happened. I always thought I'd bump into babz and ask how r u? I still love you, you know. Always will. But when I heard she's no longer with us. I didn't believe it. I searched for the truth what happened. I know when they done stuff to her in Bangladesh she used to have fits and her whole body used to contort and she used to get paralysed for a few minutes. But she was so strong. A fighter. She had a daughter I heard. I was happy for her. How could she just leave the world. I feel emptier then ever. I asked her friend but it's too painful for her even to start talking about it. Still she talks a little bit to me about it. Even though she can't. I wish I can rewind. I wish when I die I see her again. I don't pray anymore. I find it hard to. If I ever do pray I ask why? And say sorry? That's it.

rajmIndian Love Story • Opuss № I