I try to be funny!! Doesn't always happen!
On Saturday night a dream of mine came true I don't have many dreams, in fact only a few I went to a place I had always wanted to be On stage with the king Elvis Presley.
Whoo, cheer, shout, wave hands what's going on. Oh that's right the bloody rugby is on. It's England and Scotland playing today No idea what's going on but it's a nice sight I have to say.
The snow has come, it's here at last. It's so deep and lovely like snows past. The piece and quiet that surrounds the air. Makes me breathe and relax without a care.
One more day another day another destiny. Made a decision to go and see les Mis yesterday. I dreamed a dream it would be fantastically great. Wanted so much to see it and couldn't wait.
I have a nine year old child that is still wide awake Eight o'clock, nine o'clock, ten o'clock oh for goodness sake For hours and hours no sign of a yawn He has been this way since he was born Now...
So the diet will have started I should be eating lettuce right now Finally Christmas has departed But a visit to the gym is not going to happen somehow.
Here we are again then let the madness begin Turkey, chocolate god there is no way I will stay thin Crap telly, crap music with rod stewart causing a din Who on earth told him he could sing.
This is The song Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas with a slight variation of the words!!.
I have never been drunk before. Doesn't really appeal. Wouldn't want to wake up with a head that's sore. And being sick isn't something I want to feel. I like walking in a straight line.
I would like to have a massage after my tea. Candles music just you and me. I'm tired, i worry, I ache. Fed up with feeling like this for goodness sake. Quietly lying on your king sized bed.
Well my wonderful mum has got a tumour. Forgive me if I lose my sense of humour. The fear of this has shocked us to the core. All of this worry is such a sodding bore.
What is all this fuss about a pair of tits The media really can be the pits Granted they are royal and terribly important But what low life would get out the lens for such a stunt.
The scene was set for romance to start. Granted it was dirty with the area falling apart. She came in and met him face to face. Looking at them this could be a fast pace.
There was an old man called frank Who had the most enormous fish tank One night he had a barrel of gin And then suddenly jumped right in The fish were surprised At the size of his thighs And the...
I'm on the m4 sat in my Toyota car. Going on holiday hoping its not far. It's pissing down and I really can't see. We are stuck in traffic and my son wants a pee.
Autumn is coming I can feel it in the air. Suddenly seeing Halloween crap everywhere. Summer hasn't even started yet. It's always been so very wet. Happiness seems hard to find.
Feeling absolutely shite. On this windy stormy night. When is summer going to start. Such a heavy heavy heart. I have to pull myself out of this slump. And stop moaning like a heavy lump.
The 2012 Olympics are coming to the end. These last two weeks it has been my friend. Watching sports that I wouldn't dream of seeing. Team GB marvellous, so proud to believe in.
A new Olympic event is taking place today. Heavy weight dog lifting is on its way. All dog groomers from across the land. What a competition it's going to be grand.
Can I possibly win the lottery.
Here I am am still sat in bed. Wondering why I have a sore head. I'm watching the Olympic marathon. Certainly doesn't look my idea of fun. They look knackered and unwell.
#hairyarse. Well I am only 4ft 11 with I hope a loving heart. But I'm afraid I have a problem, I like to fart. Not just little ones that puff into the air. But gargantuan ones with a musical flair.
What is it all for if everything you own ends up in a skip. When your possessions and things end up in the tip. Went back to my late nans house today.
I have a bad toothache, bloody agony Anybody got a mallet to bash it out of me.
A year or so ago my nan passed away. When she was here we didn't have much to say. I was her first grandchild which didn't seem to mean much. And through the years we didn't really keep in touch.
I seem to have lost my singing head No tuneful notes fall from my mouth No you haven't got the part they said My talent has decided to fly south At the audition they said it was great Someone even...
I groomed a dog today with a wonderful talent. I'm afraid the outcome was totally repellant. As I lifted her up to start the groom. I had a sudden urge to leave the room.
I need a holiday from myself Lock me up and put me on the shelf I am sodding off to Barbados To get away from all my dross.
I know your tired I can see it in your lovely brown eyes. With your greying hair and heavy sighs. Your excited leaps have now become slow trots. Your lovely flowing fur is now covered with spots.
I'm not feeling very well. It's a dull pounding ache. Might take a while to go I can tell. How do I get rid of it for god sake. The blues, pissed off, fed up, down. Felt like this for years.
I really need to get up off my ass And go and do a Pilates class I feel fat I feel old And I think I'm loosing my hair and going bald.
As I read fifty shades of grey I am turning fifty shades of red With the turn of each page I am squirming in my bed My god this book is full of sex sex sex With whips, chains and plenty of durex Mr...
I wanted to be a ballet dancer so many years ago Leaping around with grace, well I thought so.
My son is 18 and will soon go away. I hope that he comes back one day. Off to uni to start his new life. I am so proud but it cuts like a knife. I'm scared for him in this mad place.
Marilyn, Betty and Lauren Bacall. We must remember them all. Their beauty and grace from so long ago. Especially Marilyn I love her so. She was tortured and troubled so very sad.
I would like to sit by the sea. With the warm breeze blowing over me. It's oh so wet and dull here. Miseries are sweeping over me I fear. With you by my side would be better.
Chocolate is my best friend I love it so The taste I just don't want it to end But it will make my thighs grow.
I am auditioning for a musical called honk. And no it isnt about a horrible smell To calm nerves I may need some plonk Some Valium, and some kalms aswell.
I have a really stupid fear. Uh oh now I think about it out comes a tear. You see a phobia I have got. And in my life it has caused such rot. Since I was five years old. This fear has got such a hold.
Tonight I am feeling particularly crap. Earlier I fell over the pissing cat. Shit, effing and sodding thing. Bugger me it really did sting. he has Alzheimer's and forgets he's been fed.
Lying beside me is my man Fast asleep, I'll wake him in a min that's the plan How shall I do it.
Lawrence Llewelyn Bowens dogs came in today. I am now a celebrity dog groomer some might say. A sprolly, a sprocker some springers too. Yep four of the buggers smelling like poo.
What is happening to this body of mine. The hair on my head has gone really fine. But on my top lip the hair is so thick I look like Freddie mercury Get me a shaver quick.
I have a cat called sweeny Todd And I'm telling you he is very odd Only been with me a couple of years He looks rough as hell but always purrs But the trouble is he likes to shit Right under my bed...
What a concert for the diamond jubilee This is something I really had to see Up came Robbie mad as a hatter Still looking good if a little fatter In came Cheryl trying to sing a huge hit But im sorry...
Oh fuckadoodle I've got to groom a cockapoodle Thinking it may be small and sweet In walks sasquatch with massive feet.
So here I am lying in bed Not being able to sleep Thinking about my disappointment bag And wondering why it's so deep.
Britains got talent No they haven't Well maybe just a bit Although some are shit I wonder if I have talent Hmmm no I haven't Well maybe just a bit Although I can be shit So my act will be Farting...
How can I stop this effing anxiety. God I wish I was still 23 But add on twenty years Give or take a few I'm old and greying With a tattoo or two.
I am a girl of only 4ft 11 1/2. I know I know please don't laugh My job is ridiculous I'm sure you will agree I groom dogs for a living and some are bigger than me.
As I am now the age of 43 Tap dancing was the exercise for me At least I wouldnt be bending over and dislocating my knee.