Visiting Dad

This may not be a popular post but it is honest and it is true.

My heart is riddled with disappointment for my parents. This always feels more raw on national days like "Father's Day" when I am compelled to read beautiful cards with messages and thanks to blessed fathers who give their all and are a great inspiration to their kids.

Not my dad. I just want a card that says "Happy Fathers Day". I have a strong sense of duty and as the oldest of three I am responsible for making sure he gets at least one card for procreating and raising me to eleven. Since he left he hasn't been anything special.

Sadly almost everyone I know doesn't have a 'daddy'. My group of girl friends learnt from age 5 how promiscuous men are and slowly we watch our fathers leave. The heart ache and feeling of abandonment was hard to deal with and on top of that we were encouraged to forgive them and be understanding of their 'mistake'. Only one friend out of a girl gang of six had her mum cheat.

STATISTICS (based on my childhood)
Dad cheats = 66%
Mum cheats = 16%
No cheating = 16%

My mum and dad are better divorced. They've both moved on and are happier with their lives. It has given me an unusual outlook on marriage which I won't get into here as I'm going off track.

The divorce destroyed my mum. She went from being a strong woman to a pitiful mess that made me so angry I hated her. I believed she hated me back. It took her over 10 years to regain some kind of normality and even now she sometimes sounds weak and I know she will never fully recover the pain he caused her. She is stronger though, her life is happy and we do love each other.

My dad obviously moved out and away with his girlfriend. As children we'd sit at the window waiting for him to come and sometimes he wouldn't come. Even now as a grown up, my stomach fills with nervous anticipation and doubt.

He has a new wife now (cheated on the girlfriend), I don't know what he's told her but she acts as if we are ungrateful kids that don't visit enough.

It makes me mad that all these years he barely visited us. Now he is retired with his new wife and isn't any different. I work full time and yet still try to find money and time to visit him.

I invited him to my wedding. I got married abroad as I couldn't afford a UK wedding. My dad complained about the costs even though he happily paid for my sisters honeymoon to the seychelles. He booked but had to leave midday on my wedding day and wanted me to move my wedding to first thing in the morning. I invited him to my UK Reception and he complained about coming and asked "Is it really important". I invited him to a meal for my 30th - a cheap hotel, everyone put in £7.50 as we all don't have much. Dad rang to say he'd be late as he had to go to football and it's not like my 30th is anything important.

He makes me so mad. He doesn't see how rude and unloving he is and how I always have to make an effort and he never cares. He doesn't see I never ask him for anything, I paid for my own house, my own car and my own wedding.

Fathers day I chased him to allow me to visit him. I facebooked, text and called. Eventually on Friday night he replied to an email to say I can come round for lunch and can I bring my brother.

My brother is difficult to get hold of as he is a bit of a party animal. I drove to mums and he is up for it too even though he knows it will be a chore but we enjoy spending time together.

Last night my dad put on Facebook that he has bought Steak. He sounded excited and I confirmed I love steak and my brother can make it.

My sister puts some complaint about how she stuck on holiday and wishes she could come. She jokes that she wants to see my brother and I and will put up with dad but I think we all know the essence of truth behind her teasing. My dad tells her to come. She explains she's camping in Scotland. Then his wife says "We have to pay £20 each for dinner!"

I have ignored her comment as I don't like airing my laundry on Facebook but if she asks me for money when I am at dads I will just apologise that I don't have £20 as I spent it on petrol and I will leave and get MacDonalds. I can fill up on that for just £5 and next time I won't drive all that way and waste money on petrol.

I am getting to a point where I want to not bother trying as I get no thanks and it's just constant disappointment and feeling unvalued and unloved. I don't want to go but if I don't I'll feel guilty. How come he doesn't have a conscience?

It's cold but I have seriously thought about not telling him when I eventually sell and get a new house and not telling him when I am pregnant and have his grandchild. The disinterest he shows is so painful. I want to start anew without him and I don't want my kids to ever go through this.

Then I remember that I am 'lucky' to have a dad. I am the oldest person in my department but 50% of my colleagues lost a parent when growing up. At least I have both my parents.