scottysauce
The recent events in Colorado just prove that while life is wonderful it's full of unexpected events that make us thankful for what we have. This is me being serious and reminding everyone to tell your family and friends you love them every…
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
Don't forget to wish your favorite alcoholic a happy St. Patrick's Day ;)
Girls that smile are SEXY! ;)
I know it's rude to stare at other people, but what about other people's food?
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Champagne toasts are nice and all, but I think I'd rather have some french toast at midnight.
New Year’s Eve ’82: Wish I was old enough to party. NYE ’92: LET’S PAR-TAY!!! NYE ’02: Hope the party’s not loud. NYE 2012: Woo, par-zzzzzzz
If I owned a tattoo parlor I'd definitely institute a ˝tit for tat˝ policy.
Milk and cookies? No, no, no! You've got it all wrong, kids! What Santa really likes is beer and nachos. Trust me...
Apparently my dealer is out of town for the holidays so can someone please hook me up with an ounce of mistletoe?
In the time he spent worrying about Christmas trees, Charlie Brown could've bought Pig Pen a damn lifetime supply of Irish Spring.
LADIES: Taco Bell or McDonalds? I got a first date tonight and really want to impress this gal by not making her spend too much.
If you are someone who uses the word ˝eatery,˝ you need to take a good long look at yourself in the reflectionery.
Just found a number in my phone for someone named ˝Girl˝. I'm not a player I just forget the names of acquaintances a lot ;)
˝Do You Hear What I Hear˝ is bittersweet for the hearing impaired, no matter how high you turn it up on Christmas.
I hate when I'm done eating for the day!
Playboy announced that their Lindsay Lohan sales are amazing. So was drug dealers when she started using but you don't see them boasting.
Christmas is more fun with kids around because you can get drunk and play with the new toys while they take a mandatory nap
There's a new alcoholic whipped cream. Way to go scientists. You know cancer is still a real serious problem guys!
Whenever you say ˝what are the odds?˝ Around Asians they will tell you exactly what they are.
Having a ˝20 items or less˝ express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.
7 whole graham crackers (1 cup/250 mL finely crushed) 1/4 cup (50 mL) powdered sugar 6 tbsp (90 mL) butter, melted 4 bars (1.55 oz or 43 g each) milk chocolate candy, divided 12 large marshmallows Preheat oven to 350°F (180°C). Place graha…
˝Let's get all coked up and play some classical Christmas music!!!˝--founder of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Sign up for a Secret Santa gift exchange if you're into being anonymously disappointed.
My sleep number is Jagermeister!
If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I never brush my teeth before bed in case I have a dream about eating an orange.
Anytime I start thinking I'm pretty smart, I just remind myself how often I accidentally sit through the commercials on something I DVR'd.
Hitler was a vegetarian. I rest my case!
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.
Dear Airborne, the fact that your product was created by a teacher doesn't really instill confidence. I prefer doctors making my medicine.
3 regular, brown-skinned onions, chopped in half and sliced 500g good quality plain sausage meat A good slosh of whisky (I mean generous) 12 dried apricots 320g pack ready-rolled puff pastry 1 generous teaspoon fresh thyme leaves A generous…
If you're gonna dress your baby up as a Christmas present, it's only right I get to shake'em.
The second Facebook lets us see which photos people look at, I will instantly lose all my female friends with swimsuit pictures.
Hoping that watching Fear Factor tonight will inspire more women to put something ˝crazy˝ in their mouth.
They need to stop depicting couples that stay at restaurants until everyone else is gone as romantic in movies. Those couples had server spit in their food.
Pets love The Price Is Right up until the very end.
Discovery Channel's target demographic is people wandering through the TV section of Best Buy.
I wasn't depressed until I bit my tongue scarfing down Weight Watchers candy.
INGREDIENTS 1 package high-quality wafer cookies, either vanilla or fudge filled (like Italian Loacker wafers). 1 cup milk chocolate chips Optional: 1 tablespoon creme and/or 1 teaspoon corn syrup 3/4 cup cornflakes 3 tablespoons melte…
Ingredients 45 Thin Mint Cookies, divided use 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, melted 1 pkg. (8 oz.) cream cheese, room temperature 1/3 cup sugar 8 ounces thawed Cool Whip Topping Directions 1. Place 24 Thin Mints into the bowl of a food proces…
3 tablespoons unsalted butter 2 pounds onions, sliced into thin half-moons Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper 4 garlic cloves, sliced 2 small sprigs thyme, leaves only 4-inch sprig rosemary 2 cups chicken broth, divided 1 tablespoo…
Homemade Twix Bars Shortbread Base 1 ¼ all purpose flour ½ cup unsalted butter ¼ cup castor (fine) sugar* 2 tsp. vanilla bean paste or vanilla extract Caramel Filling ¾ cup unsalted butter ½ cup sugar ¼ cup dark corn syrup 1 14- oz. can sw…
TOPPING 1/2 cup packed brown sugar 1/2 cup all purpose flour 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 5 tablespoons unsalted butter 1/2 cup sweetened, flaked coconut CAKE 2 cups all purpose flour 1/2 cup sugar 2 teaspoons baking powder 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon …
1 cup all-purpose flour 1 cup whole wheat pastry flour 1 tablespoon baking powder 1/4 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon + an extra 1/4 teaspoon 1/2 cup loosely packed brown sugar + and extra 1/3 cup 1/3 cup gran…
Place coconut on a parchment lined bakesheet and bake at 350 degrees F for about 5 minutes or until coconut starts to brown. Remove from oven and set aside to cool. Make caramel sauce and set aside to cool. Portion out 2 tablespoons for top…
Just realized I have 11 Words with Friends games that I've forgotten for over a week. Imagine if I had kids.
Why do they say life is short? It's like 70, 80 years. That's a long time.
When you think your job is horrible just remember that you probably don't have to wear the Hot Dog On A Stick costume on a daily basis.
Here's a fun recycling tip: ˝Newspapers can be reused as wrapping paper for gifts.˝ Merry Christmas, and 8 People Killed In Fiery Bus Crash.
16 oz of semi-sweet chocolate 4 cups of mini marshmallows ¼ cup whiskey 1 cup caramel (recipe follows) 1 cup of spiced bacon crumble (recipe follows) Instructions: 1. Place chocolate in a bain marie or in a heat-proof bowl above simmering …
A girl is quite possibly being murdered in the bedroom upstairs. Either that, or I'm jealous.
Wake me up when they make ˝Words With Enemies.˝
If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. Post it on the internet!
'Titanic' meets 'The Sixth Sense'. Tagline: ˝ICY DEAD PEOPLE˝
I just downloaded a shampoo bottle app so I have something to read when I'm pooping.