26 April 2012
"I hate winning it here, I feel it's one of those ones you're not meant to win. Why is there always a team of four or five middle aged teachers with red wine smiles and a team name like 'the literaries'?…. what shall we call ourselves?" "let's go for 'the coolies' again, humour the older fella's into thinking we're young foolish apple scrumpers heh" "right, gizza look at the picture bit….. Oooh, it's a trick one…. Right that's the smokey bad guy from Fern Gully" "oo, that was voiced by Tim Curry!" "Nice one dude"
A smart good looking early teens boy is boiling a kettle in a cramped kitchen in a modest 30ft redwood motor yacht with his collars starched and upright underneath a babyblue thick hooded jumper. A headband clasping his golden locks back over his clear olive forehead, he's wearing obnoxiously comfortable jogging bottoms with a stripes running down thigh to calf into his knitted slipper socks. He sings along to the latest album by Coldplay, claiming to others it's his favourite band having only heard of this album, mobile phone in his hand, buzzing every few minutes with another gfawwing text message from a pal commentating as they watch big brother on land.
"what about this one, isn't that Elephant man, oh, is it Joe or John Merrick? Let's put both just in case…" "Nah, it says 'name the actor/actress, I think its John Hurt" "That, pal, would be my first thought, but these Landlords are going curveball mental on us, there's a little known film, 'the tall man' it's called, and starring Jeff Goldblum at some point dressing up as Elephant man for a play…. Jeff Goldblum" "You're good, very good" "It's only easy if you know the answer mate" "shut up"
The young boy had just had a bath in aromatic foam, and had surrounded the tub with vanilla cream candles his girlfriend had bought him for his recent birthday. The sort that are four inches in diameter and boast 3 very necessary wicks. The sort that burns for 24 very necessary hours, needed perhaps if there was a murder scene needing fumigating, there were no dead bodies in this bathroom, and he had had his bath only an hour ago. The bathroom smells delightful still, and will do overnight.
"oh, this one is easy, it's Charlize Theron from Monster" "Nicely…. She's gross and amazing eh?" "ooo, this is…." "Leave some for me!" "You want me to pretend I don't know some of the answers?" "You're such an arse" "Well who's that one then?" "errrr…. Sean Bean? It's computer generated though…" "Well Ray Winstone would be grateful for that" "Oh and a follow up, it's Crispin Glover that plays Grendel's son" "Might you have done this quiz before" "I have better things to do" "Don't think we've been to the south coast before" "I think I have, but this was a gay bar…. I think you were here, celebrating your 21st" "Fuck off"
The young boy sprinkles chicken stock flavouring on his instant noodles in a pan and rushes to the toilet letting gravity drop his saggy ash gray joggers, he tugs his clavin kleins around his ankle and plants his bottom on the toilet seat.
"Keanu Reeves from 'A Scanner Darkly'?…." "Oooh… maybe" "well can I write it?" "Hmmm, it's actually what's his name from 'Waking Life' that was in 'Dazed and Confused' aswell, that young pretty boy with long black hair" "Oh, Ashton Kutcher?…." 'Please don't tell me you're getting mixed up with 'That 70's Show'?" "Which 70's show?" "Really?….. Bloody hell mate….. I'm just gonna put, 'that dude from Dazed and Confused, drawn in cell shading for 'Waking Life'… that's a half point surely"
The young boy tugs the toilet paper hard and it continues to unravel even after him having left the bathroom. The paper reels into a wicker bin by the toilet and over his candle. He rushes to the kitchen and struggles to scratch a few wormy noodles from the bottom of the pan into his bowl, having not stirred it, and leaving it too long.
"any left?…" "You can have that one…" "Oh right, that'll be Edward Norton" "Gimme that pen" starts to write, "Who's Eric Bana? I think you mean Bruce Banner, and aren't we meant to be writing the actors name?" "trust me, please, oh, and shut the fuck up"
The candle instantly enflames the toilet paper, and the fire fizzles slowly down the bog roll fuse to the wicker basket below. The Young boy has his now hot as the sun mobile from overuse in his hand, replying 'oh aye?' to a friend he can't remember the name of.
"Onto the main quiz then, It better not be all sporty" "It isn't don't worry" "You have been here" "I asked the barman when you were having a jimmy" "I'm sure that sounded cool" Question 1, cough, an 80's cult classic horror involved a possessed ginger haired play doll attacking people, what was the first film he appeared in called? "Ooo, he's on about Chucky isn't he… what was the first one again, 'Bride of…'" "Dude he said 80's, it's 'Child's Play' " "Well don't tell me, I'll get it" "I just said it" "very poor" "You hungry?… for nuts or something" "I got a pack of dry roasted, want some?" "aye gizza couple"
The boy is expecting his parents back in about 3hrs, they're at a bar on the coast with a few of their old pals they used to work in the same college with. The fire has now consumed the mounds of cotton buds and tissues sat In the bin, and has torn through the wicker sides and soared three feet above it licking the bottoms of the curtains. All windows are open in his cabin, and the kitchen, the young boy hasn't noticed any temperature changes. He's tucked himself into his sleeping bag snuggly to watch the remainder of big brother, having finished his noodles putting the bowl by the sofa he's lying on.
"You spend ages picking the nuts out of your teeth so you don't get any floating in your pint, and by the time you've done so to have a sip you unconsciously grab more nuts…." "No you don't" Leonard notices Alex's pint is happily sitting with nut soup in it's surface, "Ugh". Question 2, name the inability in rats, that makes them so prone to poison? "They can't go to the hospital?" "That is correct, but I doubt they'd give us it, I don't think they can vomit actually, I'll put that if it's alright?" "aye go for it"
The bathroom on the Yacht is now a wave of licking flames and rains singed wallpaper from the ceiling, balck smoke has begun spilling under the door like Evil in search of Bruce Campbell. It finds the young boys sofa. The heat in the bathroom has made the brass handle on the door untouchable, and the thin walls it shares with the master bedroom have blackened. The young boy has begun nodding off, he found his parents spirit cupboard earlier and drank Campari out of the bottle, and washed it down with a third bottle of Baileys. His mouth tasted of crushed aspirin and Gaviscon. The wall in the master bedroom has now been breached by the crawling yellow and orange heat, and spat violently over the tight cotton bed sheets, some clusters bounce and make it to the thick piled cream carpet. If there were any pictures of the family on the wall, or photo's on the bedside table, they would be melting slowly so that smiles would churn into frowns and thumbs up would skew into thumbs down film like and coincidental, but there are no pictures of the sort, unfortunately for us, and the loveless family.
"Right, can I use your mobile?… shit what's the number" "Saved under 'lifeguard' mate" "cool … Leonard dashes to the cold outside, notices a group of smokers, who pounce into meercat-like defence like he had caught them playing 'pat-a-cake'. after seeing the smokers he stands inside the airlock of the pub instead, running his fingers over the stained glass, that obscures the perspective of the bar into a nightmare. " err hey… hi… is that the Lifeboat, guard… 'sman boat, that looks after the south coast waters?" $I'll put you through sir$ "cool" "Hello, Brighton and South coast Lifeguard?" "Hi, there's an emergency on the forth brig by the old derilict pier, on the…. Left of it.." "Ok sir, what is the nature of the emergency?" "err, it's gonna need, errr, at least two maybe three of your boats to stop it" "What, sir, is the nature of the emergency?" "Fire! Erm, there's a boat that has somehow, caught ablaze right up to the pier, I'm no expert, but it looks like the whole thing is gonna set alight, you definitely need loads of your boats to quench it, extinguish it" "Sir, you we can send a the lifeboat out to check it out" "THE lifeboat?" "We need only one for this area sir, can call other for back up from a few hours down the coast" "Cool, just one aye? Cool" (dial tone) "Oi mate! You're taking part in the quiz aren't ya!!" the fat grey stubbled string vested whale had plonked his microphone down and begun dragging himself towards the stainglass door. He look like a kaleidoscopic circle of pizza slices with different toppings, most tuna. "Put that facking phone down you cheating bastard!" "Oh, right, I shat it there… I was calling the lifeguard mate, that's all" "Sit back facking daan…" tubs knocks a "Literaries" jacket "fack's sake" on the sticky carpet and picks up his microphone again. "I was only farting calling the farting lifeguard, you'd think he'd apologize" One of the literary's ears prick up as they pick up their jacket; "Lifeguard!" she exclaims, "Whatever for!!" A greying mid fifties multi silk-scarved lady has bounced out of her chair, like corn popping out of a kernel towards the door.
The young boy had wrapped his thick hoody around an elbow, and stabbed the port hole above the sofa he was entangled by sleeping bag to, stumbling to his knees as he did so. He felt like Ed Tudor Pole, or Richard O'Brian was tooting a tuneless pom-pom, on a harmonica outside the window, around an hourglass, as his knees repeatedly slipped off the arm of his seat. His elbow was going nowhere but black and blue. In his other sweaty palm, he struggles to thumb in a complicated dialing code and number, for quite a serious emergency.
Makers Chpt2 • Opuss № I