6 November 2012
Have you ever tried to resist the course of nature? Well, if you haven’t, don’t. I’m here to tell you, there will be consequences and repercussions. The stuff that happened to me was amazing.
Me, my girlfriend, her mum and dad and two younger sisters, what happened next, was mind boggling painful.
Someone had said something funny, to be honest I can’t remember what, (all details before the events that followed are blurry in my memory), but like I said, someone had said something and we all erupted into laughter when…
ratatatatatat!!!!
Everyone ducked to the floor at the sound of the gunshots.
It wasn’t gunshots, of course. I realised this before the reality dawned on everyon, it was… a fart!
Why the hell was everyone looking at me? Five pairs of eyes… Then the rumbling sound came again, louder this time, like distant rolling thunder… heavy calibre bullets this time,
RATATATATATAT!!!
It or rather I, didn’t fool anyone this time.
“Jesus, Joseph and Mary!” the father exclaimed like he’d just witnessed a murder.
“Mommy! Did Somebody just poop?” the youngest girl blurted out in amazement.
I looked at the faces… shock; amazement; wonder, All directed at me. I forced a smile and involuntarily sat up straighter, squeezed my butt tighter.
Fire in the hole!!!!!!!!! The warning voice screamed in my head.
I could feel the next one coming, rumbling like the express train from London to Edinburgh. I had one of those moments of clarity, the shit was about to hit the fan and I mean literally. My digestive system was in meltdown. I had ignored the warning signs. I had to do something, my primal instincts kicked into action and my brain made the best decision it could…
RUNNN!!!
Within that millisecond I looked at the ashen faces, blew a last kiss at my surely lost love and did a Usain Bolt on the shocked family. I busted out of the door like a space shuttle taking off into space, one thing was for sure, the gases shooting out of me, were definitely not liquid hydrogen. And the moral of my story is, my dear friend, never stifle a fart. There will be consequences and repercussions.
DON'T LAUGH AT MY PAIN • Opuss № I