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Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin..
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sm-210
24
Stories
7
Followers
Stories by @sm-210 (24)
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Say what you like about Muslim women, they make brilliant bee keepers..
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Football Fans
Apparently Polish fans have threatened to plough up England's training pitch in the middle of the night. Shocking news - even their hooligans work harder than ours..
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office - I will track you down. You have my Word..
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I like using Latin phrases when speaking in English and vice versa..
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Just got a text from my mate saying he was going to kill himself and ignored it. "Don't you think you should do something?" asked my girlfriend.
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I don't know why I even bother having a smartphone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline..
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What's Mohammed getting for Christmas. Deported..
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I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you live.
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My Muslim friend was saying he was sick of stereotypes about his religion. At least, I think that's what he said; it's hard to lip-read through the visor of my bomb-proof suit..
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Modern philosophy: If I went to the gym but then didn't write a facebook status about it, did it ever really happen?.
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You know you're a Taliban if... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
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I burst out into the aisle of the plane and yelled, "Does anybody know how to fly one of these things!?" Everybody stared on in horrified silence...
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Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. ~ George S. Patton.
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THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
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When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word.I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French..
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I fell asleep after drinking a few cans of strong lager on the bus today. Luckily one of the school children woke me up before I crashed it..
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If i had a pound for every time David Cameron said he was going to sort the countries problems out, I'd be rich enough to live under a Tory government..
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Diplomacy
A man walks into a pub in London and orders a drink. The bartender notices he has a huge scar across his throat. "Bloody hell, where did you get that?" he asks. "Falklands", the man croaks.
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I came home from the pub four hours late last night."Where have you been?" screamed my wife. I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes." "Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated.
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I walked into the DIY shop. "Excuse me," I asked, "have you got any 6 inch screws?" "Only what we've got on the shelf," replied the cashier, pointing.
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Being Romantic
I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom. I sprinkled some more over the bed.
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Depth limit for recreational divers - 12. metres. Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres. Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30 metres.
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New Years Resolution
Almost a third of 2012 gone and I have succeeded in all but one of my New Year resolutions: 1. Stop drinking - Done 2. Stop smoking - Done 3. Stop being so lazy and get a job - Done 4.
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