23 October 2012
(not mine)
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Couple A Jokes And Quotes • Opuss № I