28 January 2013

Everyone always tells us that love is supposed to be this beautiful, progressive, joyous thing. I always looked at love as representing two sides of a heart. Those with a positive, slightly illogical outlook to life experience the right side of love. You know, the things we read about in fairytales. The cynical realist, border-lining pessimism, usually experiences the left side of love. The things that beautiful nightmares are made of.

My name is M. Maven and this is what love on the left looks like.

Part 1 - Thinking About Forever

I am not a relationship kind of woman. I know it sounds cliche, with all of the sob stories that have been told. Someone must have hurt me and that is why I am single. I cannot get over a lover from the past. I hate men. None of those things being true but it is the common misconception that EVERY woman wants to be attached to someone. I like to have a good time…and move on when we are done. You cannot do that with someone you fall for. So I allow myself to be entertained by people who are not known for sticking around. There is this guy who is quite persistent. If he wants to waste time, I am down. If he wants to fall in love, that is not my idea of forever. My idea of forever is freedom. …. Life plays games on us to teach us valuable lessons. I supposed bumping into Him was one of those things. There was something finally different and I could not put my finger on it. I was interested and it became the first time I saw myself with someone in the future. The energy was addictive and there was not a day that went by when we did not see one another. There was always something new, fresh, and intriguing to learn. Most guys use the line that they are different but this guy never had to say it. He just was and knew it. Everything was going exactly how I wished it would in my head. Rarely do men listen to “I don’t want a boyfriend” but he did. He lived his life but planted himself firmly in mine as the best friend I never had. But no one is perfect. Not even him.

Part 2 - Every Girl

It started with the sketchy behavior. I knew something was off. My pull on him was starting to weaken. He always had places to be that did not involve me. Yet, there was no explanation offered as to why things had to change. Then the phone calls started. Every girl that he had dated in the past all of a sudden had a need to speak to him. They were taking up the time that had been solely devoted to me. My forever could not be destroyed. I had to find out why these women he supposedly felt nothing for, had urgent desires for him. So I set off to find every girl that ever touched and loved him. … My obsession with his random behavior caused an uncomfortable energy between us. The distance grew the more arguments we had. My forever was quickly ending. We needed space but I was terrified that it would change everything. The time we shared was being interrupted. Without a seconds notice, I grabbed handfuls of clothes, shoes and toiletries. I got in the car and drove. I would come back when my head was clear. We could make this work. I just had to think.

Part 3 - White Lies

Two days of a clear head and I had made my decision. This level of vulnerability was too much for me. I felt half out of my mind, a feeling I never wanted to be familiar with. We went our separate ways but the energy between us kept our connection strong. Time revealed that there was no getting away from one another. My head said run but my heart said stay and have forever. I did what any addict would have done. I stayed in search of a beautiful infinity with him. Things were not the same though. That off feeling when all of the exes popped up, came back. I was ignoring my intuition in favor of my blind heart. What was this if it was not love? … Without proof of anything, I was left alone with my nagging suspicion. He consistently insisted that there was nothing for me to concern myself with. According to him, we were good. I questioned if it was him that was the problem…or was it me? After agreeing to see a therapist, I felt a bit of relief. Love seemed to be slowly leaving the Left Side and gradually turning into what was Right. I decided to surprise him with an intimate evening after work, only to have my suspicions confirmed on a level I could not even fathom. As I let myself into his house, I heard unfamiliar voices. He was not supposed to be home until tomorrow so it could not have been him. Against my better judgment to call 911, I quietly crept up the stairs, gun in hand. As I aggressively pushed the door open, what I saw caused me a temporary moment of insanity. ... My crime of passion has me telling this story from within prison walls. I have pleaded my case with every ounce of sincerity in my soul. As a result of my blacking out and emotional turmoil, I will have to spend some time in an asylum. While it is not a crime for your fiancee to catch you in bed with another man, it is illegal to murder him and his male lover. In hindsight, reloading my clip, sealed my fate. Once all of the women who had loved him found out about his untimely death, other things were revealed. They had popped up in his life not of their own volition. According to the letters written and the visits I had, he had contacted them to let them know of his longstanding sexual preferences. The communication was due to guilt and trying to right his wrongs. I was just the last to know.

Seems that I was not built for the right side of love….

© 2011-2012 Syn Delano

© 2011-2012 Syn Delano

Syn_DThe Left Side Of Love • Opuss № I