5 December 2012
I've bought myself a vibrator No! No! Not one of those! The kind you have to stand on! Not the kind that curls your toes! 4 programs and a speed dial to adjust intensity, (It's numbered 1-20 but I think I'll stick on 3)
The manual guarantees that it will make me super-fit They reckon in 5 days I'll have a body like Brad Pitt. Huh! They must think I'm gullible but although I'm at my peak I'm not falling for their bullshit - it'll take at least a week!
What's this? "Will make each muscle twice the size and hard as rock!" Wow! Just what I'm looking for! Gonna try it on my... Gluteus maximus. (Well, what did YOU think I meant?)
There's a chapter on abdominals - if I do sit-ups with a weight I can swap a hunky "six pack" for my chunky "party eight". 'Course I'll have to watch my diet - no more chocolate, chips or cheese. Oh, well, not to worry - I'll just live on KFC's!
Well, that's it! I've read the manual, now let's see what fate will bring....
ARGGHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, shit! I've pulled a muscle switching on the fucking thing!
Good Vibrations • Opuss № I