20 November 2012
1000 Opusses from one man? I didn't believe it possible so I hired a team of ex Newsnight investigators - people you can really trust - to, well, investigate. After several months of covert operations here are their disturbing findings.
It would appear that this odious man, aided by his mad scientist sidekick Bob, obtained the DNA of an incredibly beautiful (but somewhat 'irrational') Opuss kitten. It's not clear exactly how - possibly by bombarding her with nice comments and reposts and then requesting a signed photo and extracting it from her saliva on the back of a stamp - who knows. Anyway, once in possession of her DNA mad scientist Bob then got to work combining it with Lee's in such a way to create six 'clones', blessed with her literary skills but cursed with his looks. Bob's twisted expertise managed to reduce the period of gestation from the normal 9 months to 90 minutes - plus time added on for stoppages. These 6 hideous looking creatures are known as "Lee-VI's" (something to do with the 'genes' - Boom! Boom! - oh, please yourself ) and are kept in the players lounge at Old Trafford where they can roam virtually un-noticed in their little green dress uniforms, mixing freely with the other ' uglies '. They spend all their time composing poems and taking the piss out of Rooney's hair, and their well-being is maintained by a delicate cocktail of drugs (misoprostol, dinoprostone, pitocin) and those pretty bright blue Smarties.
It has been unfairly suggested that I have been over jealous, er, I mean over zealous, in my quest to expose this slimy, slippery creature (is it a coincidence that "lee" is an anagram of "eel"? - I think not!), but it MUST be shown that this man is a charlatan, a fake, a fraud, a cheat, a... a.... oh, let's face it - a bloody genius! Congratulations mate!
Lee's 'Grand' Total • Opuss № I