24 January 2013
Warning! Adult content.
I'd like to tell a story About my 'you-know-what' Not so much your 'Morning Glory' More a limp 'Forget-Me-Not' So I phoned my good mate @gazplend He's a kind of 'Jack-the-Lad' But the bastard turned me over Now I wish I never had..........
Brrrnng... Brrrnng...
Hello?...Is that you, Gary? Jimmy here...I've got a prob, In fact it's quite embarrassing - I'm having trouble with my knob. I'm getting ear-ache from the missus To tell the truth she's really miffed I've always been a big boy But I need a sort of "lift".
Ha ha! Always been a big boy? That's not what I have heard! More like a 'chipolata' According to that bird!
What bird!? That tart from Liverpool? The one who looks like Sally Gunnell? Well, I kid you not Her 'honey pot' Is like the Mersey tunnel!
Ha ha! I'm only joking Don't get your knickers in a twist! I've been with her And I must concur I'd rather fuck my fist! But let's get back to business, You know you can rely on me Just tell me when you want them And I'll send them over, C.O.D.
3 days later...
Brrrnng... Brrrnng...
Hello?... Is that you, Gary? What the fuck was in those things?! My nuts are turning septic And my manhood really stings! What have you done, you wanker?! My manhood won't stop growing! An evil smelling gas Is coming from my ass And my "bell-end's" really glowing!
Well, er, they're not exactly kosher, Oh, come on! You know the score! I, um, got them from Sienna...
Well, that explains it - say no more!
Then I made him tell the truth about the little pills of blue, Made by some dodgy chemist In his allotment shed in Crewe.
There's something else I meant to tell you But I honestly forgot - Don't take more than half a tab...
Oh, fuck! I took the lot!
Now that was many moons ago But it's still growing week by week I tried to slip the wife a length But she said "Fuck off you freak!" So I'm left here on my lonesome Feeling sad and in disgrace And every time I take a leak I piss right in my face!
But all clouds have silver linings And I've fulfilled a boyhood dream 'Cause thanks to Gary's tablets I've made the British pole vault team!
Little Tabs Of Blue • Opuss № I