9 January 2013
I had more fun doing this than any other!
The very first time Should be something sublime But we all know that's seldom the case. It's all groaning and grunts With hot sweaty cu -er, armpits Body fluids all over the place I remember that day And can honestly say I've never been so scared in my life And though it's been many years I still harbour those fears (But for fuck's sake don't tell the wife!)
June 1967
T'was the "Summer of Love" And I thought "Fair enough, It's about time I gave it away." So I went to the Bank, Then rushed home for a wa ... wash Thinking "Yeah, today is the day!"
Then I phoned my mate Dan Outlining my plan And he said "I've discovered a pub Where a brandy and coke Guarantees you a "poke" Or at least gets your "gherkin" a rub!"
So we dressed to the nines And rehearsed chat-up lines And we swore that we wouldn't get drunk, Made our way to The Bell Where I cried "Fucking hell! The whole place is smelling of sp...spew!"
Then up sidled this chick, With make-up so thick You could plaster the side of a house "Gonna buy me a drink?" She asked with a wink, And I nodded - as meek as a mouse.
So I plied her with wine Until twenty past nine Thinking "Fuck, her legs must be hollow!" Then she started on gin Shouting "Oi, get 'em in!" And I asked "Is that all that you swallow ?"
At last back at her flat I was stroking her tw...um, hair And confessed "You're my very first lay." Well, she stared for a while Then said with a smile "Don't worry - just do as I say."
Then she guided my hands, I obeyed her commands And soon was removing her top. Well, I felt a right tit As she searched for my "bit" (I was praying that it wouldn't flop!)
"Oh, give me nine inches and make me bleed!" She screamed as she tore off my clothes So I slid it in once, and again!.. and again!!... Then I punched her hard on the nose!
Losing My Virginity • Opuss № I