Lasagne
: My wife and I had lasagne for dinner, I said to her, see who finishes first..
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17 words
tlfab4
Married, two Border collies, cats, big Beatles fan.
70
Stories
234
Followers
Stories by @tlfab4 (70)
Work
I wish i was a mountain, i wouldn't have to go to work tomorrow..
4
0
14 words
Mini
I want some mini cheddars,i want a mini,i want a mini ipad..
8
0
12 words
A Bird In The Hand
A bird in the hand is worth walking down Brighton pier with..
4
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12 words
Zoo
I had a disappointing day yesterday, I took my wife to the zoo, and they refused to take her..
28
7
19 words
Short Sighted
A short sighted man was walking his dog,the dog lifted his leg a peed all over the man trousers. The man pulled out a biscuit and was giving it to his dog.
14
4
58 words
Inventor
The man who invented the door knocker won the Nobel prize!..
10
1
11 words
Tipex
Mr Tipex invented Tipex. Correct me if I'm wrong..
18
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9 words
Tea
Got up this morning, punched the bag 3 or 4 times, then she got up and made a cup of tea..
8
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21 words
Sleep
I slept like a log last night, I kept rolling over..
10
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11 words
Number Joke
What did the 0 say to the number 8 . " I like your belt "..
18
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16 words
Banana
If you swallow a banana sideways, you will have a wide smile..
16
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12 words
Party
I went to a wife swapping party, I swapped my wife for a football..
10
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14 words
Judge Judy
Judge Judy rules..
8
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3 words
Best Mate.
My wife ran off with my best mate, I really miss him..
28
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12 words
Great Composers.
Lennon & McCartney..
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3 words
Toaster
Just having my morning crumpets and they popped up and frightened the F.... Out of me!..
14
8
16 words
New Shoes
My wife never acknowledges anything new that I buy. So when I bought a nice shiny new pair of shoes I rushed home stripped off totally naked and just wore my new shoes.
20
4
70 words
Shin Bone
The sole purpose of the shin bone is to locate furniture in the dark..
24
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14 words
Brazil Nuts
"Mum those Brazil nuts were lovely, even better if they were chocolate covered ones" "They were, your granny sucked the chocolate off them yesterday"..
20
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24 words
Dark Skies
See, if there are dark skies around me, I just paint over them with bright blue, I am an artist..
8
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20 words
Eskimos
It's a shame Eskimo's can never have house warming parties..
14
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10 words
Docs
I went to the doctors the other day, he said "I haven't seen you for years". I said " I know, I've been ill"..
12
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24 words
Strawberry
A man goes to the doctors and says "I've got a strawberry up my bum". The doctors says " I've got some cream for that"..
24
3
25 words
Grandad
When I was a young lad i was a little terror, I used to give my Grandad grey hairs. Mind you he was quite pleased cos he was bald at the time..
12
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32 words
Woodworms
Two woodworms go into a pub and ask "is the bar tender here?"..
16
6
13 words
Washing Day
An African lady goes down to the steam to wash her clothes with the stones,whilst she is scrubbing away, an elephant wanders down behind her and brushes his trunk up against her, so without looking...
4
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54 words
Little Johnny
Johnny in class is a always being reprimanded for his terrible bad language F this F that F everything. One day in class the teacher says " a bag of goodies for anyone with a special talent".
12
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83 words
Butcher
I overheard my local butcher saying to his mate that he has slept with every woman down my street accept one.
14
2
56 words
Water Bed
Since we bought a water bed, our marriage has drifted apart..
20
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11 words
Fish
A man goes into a chip shop with a fish on his shoulder, he asks " have you got any fish cakes, it's his birthday"..
18
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25 words
Grass
My garden grass was getting long, I poured some whiskey on it and it came up half cut..
14
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18 words
Quote
Just heard a quote on the radio, thought I would share it with you. "it's worth seeing, but not worth going to see"..
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23 words
Dog Food
I said to my mate " my dog does not eat meat". "how strange, why not" he replied. I said "I don't give him any"..
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25 words
Zoo
I took my wife to the zoo the other day, they wouldn't take her..
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14 words
Double
A man goes in a pub, the barman says " same as yesterday" the man says "I was not in here yesterday". "yes you was" . "No I was not". "Then you must have a double". "thanks, Whisky please"..
14
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39 words
Just A Thought
If you dig down through the earth, at which point are you digging up, because presumably you would come out feet first and be upside down. Can anyone explain?..
12
10
29 words
Painting
If someone criticises your painting, just brush it off..
16
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9 words
Old Flame
An old flame always goes out, with another person..
14
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9 words
A Bird in The Hand
A bird in the the hand, is worth walking down Brighton pier with..
10
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13 words
Weather
They were painting the London weather station today, there was a sign up saying Wet paint becoming dry later..
6
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19 words
Wrongs And Rights
Two wrong's don't make a right, but it makes it equal..
8
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11 words
Untitled
I made a pair of slippers from banana skins..
12
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9 words
Untitled
I was telling my mate that I have a really smart and clever cat. I said he reaches up and taps the door to come in, and the most amazing thing he does is to bury his own poo.
6
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53 words
Untitled
My mother was an usherette, when she got married she walked down the aisle backwards..
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15 words
Untitled
Two guys go into a pub and take a seat, they both get out their sandwiches and are about to eat them when the barman shouts, "oi.
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40 words
Untitled
I have a really tight mate, wouldn't lend you a penny, you know the type. The other day he was peeling off his wallpaper, I said "are you decorating?". He said "No, I'm moving"..
8
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34 words
Untitled
Two psychiatrists meet in the street, one says to the other, "Your alright how am I"..
10
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16 words
Untitled
And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make. Lennon & McCartney..
10
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18 words
Untitled
My wife thinks I'm cheating , the other night whilst I was asleep, she shouted out "quick my husband is coming", and like an idiot I jumped out the window..
10
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30 words
Untitled
I had to go to Court for stealing a calendar, I got 12 months..
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14 words
Untitled
I got out of the shower and I was walking around the living room naked. The wife shouted out " put something on, the curtains are open". I said " I don't care if people see me".
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51 words
Untitled
A gorilla walks into a pub and asks for a pint of beer, the bar man is taken back but serves him his beer.
8
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75 words
Untitled
The wife said "what do you want for breakfast " I said" burnt toast and cold beans with a cup of cold tea" she said "I'm not doing that". I said " you did yesterday"..
12
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35 words
Pub Joke
I walked into a pub and skidded on some dog poo, before I could complain a fella walked in and skidded on it also. I said to him "I just did that", and he punched me in the face..
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39 words
Untitled
The judge said to me, have you been up before me previously. I said I dont know, what time do you get up..
6
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23 words
Untitled
I had to go to court, I was in trouble,so I dressed up as a firework and the judge let me off..
10
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22 words
Untitled
My mate said to me, can I tap you for a fiver, I said you can punch me in the face for a fiver..
4
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24 words
Untitled
I slept like a log last night, I kept rolling over..
4
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11 words
Untitled
I stuck a life size poster of my wife on my street door, haven't had a break-in since..
12
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18 words
Untitled
My wife said to me,what would you do if you caught me in bed with another man. I said I would kick his guide dog..
18
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25 words
Untitled
My wife was ironing her bra, dont know why I said, you have nothing to put in them. She said I iron your pants don't I..
12
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26 words
Untitled
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, don't press that button you will fire the cannon..
6
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19 words
Untitled
A bald man buys a wig made from bum hair. His friend sees him a says that looks great, does it fit snug. That man says not really, it keeps blowing off..
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32 words
Untitled
A man bumps into his mate who is a bit slow on the take up. His mate says I have been trying to sell my car for months, can't get a buyer because it's got 140.000 miles on the clock.
6
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85 words
Untitled
A man buys a blow up doll, when he gets home he blows it up and out pops the head arms and legs, then to his surprise out pops a willy.
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50 words
Untitled
I've been married for 30 years and I'm still in love with the same woman, hope the wife doesn't find out..
14
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21 words
Untitled
I said to my wife I have a bad tooth ache, she said if I was you I would have it out. I said if you was me so would I..
8
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31 words
Untitled
The wife said I want to eat out tonight. So I put her plate on the porch..
16
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17 words
Love
If sex is so private, why do we share it with someone else?..
2
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13 words