26 April 2012
I woke up to the sound of cats fighting, my head thumping from the excess of beer I had the previous night. I opened the window and demanded that the cats pissed off, perhaps not a wise decision as I didn’t want cat piss on my patio. I'm not a massive fan of cats but have grown somewhat fond of the strays that have decided to frequent my garden every morning, on a seperate note I do like pigs, I really wanted to get a micropig but I read somewhere that they actually grow to be pretty big. If I was given the choice to be a different creature I’d be an insect an ant to be more precise, then I could easily be trod on and put out of my misery.
Wednesday, the middle of the week it’s supposed to be a neutral day or so I hoped. I was invited to a barbeque by Jay. I'm not very fond of occasions which are meant to be social, so let us hope there’s plenty of social lubrication (alcohol). Is it bad that whenever I hear the words ‘’social lubrication’’ I have a picture of bikini models handing me baby oil? Baby oil was made for babies, not my perversions.
I got dressed and allowed myself a few splashes of aftershave which had cost more than I was worth, then made my way over to Jay’s place. It was just as I had expected, immaculately clean. Jay and I went over into the garden where I was introduced to his sister Mary. The first thing I noticed were her breasts which were grilling on the barbeque (chicken breasts). Her boobs weren’t so bad either.
I was introduced to a few other social creatures whose names I cannot recall, with the exception of one dark skinned lad named Haydar. I contemplated calling him ‘’dark Haydar’’ but that wouldn’t be appropriate.
Jay’s get-together was anything but fun, I sat on a dusty chair listening to Haydar recite lines from the 2007 textbook by Green on foreign policy. ‘’What a douche’’ I thought. Jay interrupted dark Haydar and announced that I had a remarkable perspective on multilateralism, ‘’great’’ I thought, I have to share my thoughts with a bunch of brown nosed robots, this was starting to feel like a pop quiz. I proceeded with my speech which was followed by a childish applause, like the type I would get from my mother as a teenager for bothering to clean my room or finally cracking that 5 year old rubix cube I once found in the loft. I cracked a modest smile, ‘’Well Jay, while I might not go down in history for this speech, I might go down on your sister’’, he punched my arm.
One of the robots suggested we played board games ‘’funtastic’’ I thought. Personally I thought board games should be renamed to ‘’bored’’ games, I'm not a fan. Unless it's monopoly with my younger cousin who goes ballistic every time I inevitably purchase Park Lane and Mayfair, hence I passed. I struck up a conversation with the bodybuilder sitting to my right who also passed on the child’s play, perhaps this was because, as it seemed he was stuck in his chair. We were joined by Mary how contrary and discussed workouts. I enjoyed workouts myself, as a kid forced into martial arts at a young age, and thankfully I learned to love it.
Meathead boasted about his weight followed by a gasp from Mary who claimed she weighed a mere 50kg. ‘’How much can you bench’’ meathead asked me, "about 50k’’ I replied to the bemusement of Mary who had a particle of lettuce wedged between two of her teeth, I couldn’t bare to tell her.
Later I excused myself and made my way home, on the way I got a call from my friend Chloe asking what her email address was, she’s definitely strange. I got home and made finger love to my guitar before shamelessly getting my reality TV fix.
Wednesday • Opuss № I