12 February 2013
Maybe it was after the giddiness wore off that I revisited my previous acknowledgement:
I can never be with my love.
Not because of the distance, but because of how we met and our age difference.
He wants to come up to me next time, but I don't live in a big town. I don't want to sneak around with him in my town. There's no way that I can get away with it anyway. And I don't want to get away with it. I want to be able to take him to my house and walk around town openly.
But I won't be able to do that because that would entail meeting my parents or my sister...because they live in my house...which would bring me up to my point on why we can't be together due to our age difference and how we met.
Although we're only two years apart, again, he's legally an adult. Yeah I'll be 18 this year but I'm 17 now. My parents are probably not going to be okay with that difference.
I'd have to lie about how I met him too. I have this whole scenario planned out on how I met him in Starbucks and how my best friend had met him on a skiing trip she went on with the Boy Scouts.
I told this scenario to my sister (who previously has no knowledge of this boy that I'm crazy about) and she flipped at the fact that he's 19 and he lives in the city. She didn't care that my friend supposedly knew him.
Although I hope that because I'm a studious student and because I've never brought a boy home before (nor have a I ever wanted to) that my parents would be okay with him. Or at least try to be okay with him.
We're not dating, so I can honestly introduce him as my friend. But I like him a lot, and he likes me...it's only a matter of time. Most likely. My parents would have to be okay with that. But they probably won't.
I just keep thinking of this show Parenthood (it's adapted from the 80's movie). One season this 16 year old girl began to start dating this former alcoholic, 19 year old boy that was, at the time, running a homeless shelter. Naturally, the parents were horrified by the age difference and the fact that he was a former alcoholic. Eventually they came to accept their relationship, but that was after many encounters.
My love isn't a former alcoholic, so that's one less thing to be concerned with. But still, with my love...there won't be many encounters. We live too far away from each other to casually meet up regularly. Therefore, my parents will never be able to fully become accustomed to him.
Yeah, I can just continue to talk to him behind my parents back and yeah, if I go a few towns down its likely I could keep his visit a secret. But I don't want my love to be a secret anymore. I don't want to lose my parents trust over him. I don't want to lose my parents trust.
So not only will I never be able to be with him, I'll have to stop talking to him altogether.
Yes, I'm young I have tons of potential suitors or whatever ahead of me.
But I am not as concerned with losing him as my lover as I am concerned with losing him as my friend. I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship when I joined that dating site (there was an option that said: looking for friends!). He was looking for a relationship, and a serious one.
But regardless of what we were both looking for, he easily became my best friend and he has inhabited my heart as well.
Cheesy as it may be, I love cheese. It tastes good and sometimes people need to be cheesy.
What scares me the most is that when I explain all of this to him, he'll probably agree with me. Agree to stop talking to me altogether. He's extremely logical and straightforward. Although it may be hypocritical of me, an easy break is always best, but I don't want our relationship to be so simple to end. To me it's not going to be an easy thing to end. I don't want it to be an easy decision for him to agree to end it. I want him to help me come up with ways to make things work but maybe that's asking too much.
I'm not sure.
I texted him telling him that I wanted to talk. That's the universal sign for all gentlemen that their relationship is going to end.
...and shit he just texted me back. Apparently he's going to call me at 8. But he's at work...fuck now I'm messing with his job...
I'll post tomorrow what happens. It's probably going to be my last online dating blog.
2ndToLast Blog 18 • Opuss № I