13 February 2013
His name was Marek.
It's Polish. He was born in Poland.
I love his name. I was never able to say it aloud though because I feared being overheard by my parents. But it's unusually beautiful when said in my head.
I think it's suitable and ironic that this is the 19th post. After all, he's 19. And he said he can't see himself turning 20.
Well I can't see myself writing a 20th online dating post for you, my lovely Marek.
My lovely Marek that broke my heart. In three minutes.
He called me a bit after 8 on Monday. Greeted me in his usual charming way. "Hey, watsup?"
I honestly never liked how he always greeted me that way. I'm not your "bro." A simple "hey how are you?" would be nice once in awhile.
So anyway...I just stuttered...and moaned...and finally I blurted it out and said: I can't do this anymore.
He didn't even need to ask "do what?"
I said: I can't keep this a secret anymore. It's too risky.
And he said: that's okay. Do what's best for you. Don't worry about me. I'm so used to this happening.
Do all your girls break up/end things with you, Marek?
I said: I'm not. Wait...no that's really harsh.
He said: I get it. Do you want me to delete your number?
Me: I don't know. Do whatever you want.
Marek: I'll keep it for now. But maybe you should delete mine so you don't feel an urge to text me.
As if I can't control myself.
Me: ok. Bye.
And I hung up.
I would like to believe that because he was at work, he was unable to feel truly sad that I didn't want to "do this anymore." He had to remain a professional.
But who am I kidding? He is very confident in himself that he's such a stud. He probably just figures that he'll get over me (if he needs to at all) by having a one night stand.
Or he can log back onto his OkCupid profile and resume chatting with the other hotties.
Yeah, he told me back in December that he had "deleted" his account because it was getting annoying. People on that site are mean. Well I was always activating and reactivating my account at the time so when I went on I looked at our old messages and it said: user had deactivate it.
I didn't think that it was weird that he said deleted when he really meant that he deactivated it.
Well I just reactivated my account to officially delete it. I went to look at all my messages and boom, I see that he has reactivated his account (probably a long time ago) and he even had a new profile picture.
Maybe that's why he kept checking his phone on our date or whatever it was. Can't keep the ladies waiting, Marek.
Now I'm going to explore all the things that pissed me off or freaked me out but I overlooked because I was falling for him...
•He was intense. "Joking" about wanting to be my hubby (husband) and how we should run away to Europe to go exploring.
•I suppose he's a guy that just uses endearments lightly. He felt comfortable texting them to me, yet I never heard him say any one of them. Not even when I met up with him on Sunday.
I'm a hypocrite though because I never said aloud the endearments I texted either. But anyway...
•I hated his jokes. That part of his personality made me uncomfortable. I could never tell that he was joking because he was so serious. Maybe he was serious, but because he could say that he was just "joking" it made saying the somewhat horrible things that he said okay. And because his jokes were always told with a serious tone and a poker face, maybe when he said that he wasn't a player over video chat, he was joking.
•I think he "fell in love" with me fast. Or maybe he just loved the idea of me. He wanted a serious relationship. I seemed to be giving him the impression that I wanted that too. And although I didn't initially, I came to want it with him. But did he ever want it with me? Maybe he just wanted a girl. Any girl. Especially considering that he was using OkCupid again. He obviously was still looking. Looking for someone better? More suitable? Older? More confident?
•He said he wanted to take steroids in his mid 20's to help him rebuild the muscle he lost when he injured his back. Maybe it's just me, but I don't like steroids. Marek, you have a banging body. I hugged it. I cuddled with it. Don't take steroids, my love.
•He doesn't have a Facebook. And I couldn't find scrap about him when I looked him up online. He either is honest, he doesn't have a Facebook. Or he does but it's under a super complex username so no girls can find out and see what he really does with his life.
•He never actually said his own name. When I asked how to pronounce it he made me figure it out for myself. It kinda bothers me for some reason.
•He hates his older brother. I don't know why. Maybe because your brother is a successful college student and Marek, you are just bumming away, waiting for your life to change. Like I am. Marek doesn't get along with his parents. I don't know why either. But he runs around, leaving the house at 11pm and or later...I've read that guys that don't respect their moms aren't good guys. But he seemed to love his dog. I figured that was good enough love.
•Yesterday...he said he had to go to work at 6. And when I texted him that I was sad, he conveniently replied that he had to go to work earlier to help his boss. It wasn't even 4 yet. He had never done that to me before though.
I never thought I would be the one to break things off. I was so convinced that he was out of my league and that I was undeserving...but this is what happens when you like someone. At least with me anyway...but I begin to doubt myself. I apologize for things I'm not sorry for but I'm scared that if I don't apologize I'll piss the significant other off. I second-guess what I wear. I second-guess everything. It leaves me feeling more insecure and scared than usual.
I called my GNO girl afterwards, crying. I had to get it out, cut me some slack. But she said she wasn't sure how much she even liked him. She thought that for his age he was very immature. But I don't know, he's only 19.
Maybe I'm a hopeful romantic...but it'd be cool if one day I see you again, Marek. When you're a firefighter and I'm in grad school...and we hit it off for real...
Or maybe it won't be so cool.
After all, you strung me along for so long...
I texted him this morning about how I felt. I regretted saying I couldn't do it anymore. And then later that night he said that it would be best if I just forget about him. (Obviously he's already forgotten about me). He said he didn't want to interfere with my schoolwork and the long distance wasn't going to work out (that's what I initially told you, my love, but you said not to worry about it. We could make it work.) Things changed I guess.
I guess he realized how much I liked him after I had sent him those four really long texts and so he made up those excuses, although they were valid. Maybe I came on too strong...too intense. But I was tired of keeping my thoughts to myself. He deserved to know how I truly felt.
It's too bad we couldn't make things work though...I realize now that I don't think I could handle just being his friend. I like him too much. And meeting him was wonderful, but it also popped the bubble that I was in and made me realize that he is real, that I really like him, and that I wanna do something about it.
Unfortunately he isn't going to allow me the opportunity to ever come to love him.
But I wonder if I didn't text him saying that I needed to talk to him...how much longer would we have talked? How much longer would we have lasted? He didn't seem not into me anymore. But maybe he was lying about being so into me the whole time. But would he have eventually broken it off? Or would he have continued to string me along?
I'll never know I guess.
Well...thanks for the life lessons, my lovely, cute Marek. Take care of yourself.
And thank you all for your advice throughout this whole period. It means a lot to me.
2/11/13-2/12/13
Marek Blog 19 • Opuss № I