20 May 2012
(This, thanks to @RichWithey, is the first of the Rabbit Man stories in verse. Blame Rich and his new rabbit-eared avatar or 'rabbitar.')
Saturday in Opusville: The clubs are getting rowdy. Along comes Rich, who's very rich - The bouncers all say 'Howdy!' He pulls a crowd at every bar, The women swoon and flatter. He smiles coolly, doesn't know That there's a graver matter:
Along the road a stolen truck Approaches now at speed! The only vehicle suitable To flee a heinous deed: Three villains have just blown a vault Took diamonds worth - well, plenty. Priceless, from a Mayan Mine Unearthed in 1920.
The cops already on their tail, The drivers - too erratic. The stooges fight - it's who should drive... The third man's democratic. He shoots his minions in the head And coldly takes the wheel But sadly the accelerator's Stuck beneath a heel.
The truck's careering, lost control The evil boss can't stop it! While in the window Rich sees all And tells the punters: "Hop it!" Events present a stranger twist, For outside, near the bar A tanker filled with toxic waste Waits for a drop-off car.
They never saw it coming; The fire, the cloud, the flash. Oh yes and all that toxic waste Released by fatal crash. The blast destroys a pet shop Filled with puppies, rabbits, mice. It right next door to Rich's club - A Handy Plot Device™.
His hand sinks slowly in the sludge The waste is wildly bubblin'. Outside, within the wreck of truck There's transformation troublin': The villain in the getaway Is drenched in toxic waste His camo clothes melt to his skin His arms by truck replaced.
When he emerges from the wreck He spies a woozy punter And blasts him with his new gun arms And says: "Behold - The Hunter!" Our hero also rises, changed: Long ears and legs to hop. He wants to shag and eat and shag For weeks on end, non-stop. He has 'bright eyes,' enormous thighs Each tooth a rock-hard wedge And let's not mention here the size Of his carrot and two veg!
They face each other - hero, foe It's tense - in no way funny Rich spies the Hunter's latest kill- He's not a happy bunny. "Run, rabbit, run!" The villain sneers And lines up his next shot. "A few sad diamonds? Bugger that! I'll hunt the bloody lot!"
"Not firing from both cylinders Hunter? - you've done crime. When I've put 'hare' in your trigger You're going to do some time." The hunter spies survivors. "See those guys? They're fine. They won't be though, when I do THIS! That Mayan mine is mine!"
They're all impressed by Hunter's rhyme Until they see him fire. "Stop me getting what I want, And that's their funeral pyre!" He cackles like a villain should As buildings all ignite. "You might think you're high caliber, But your aim and balance? Shite. You're firing blanks, my gun-armed foe. You're acting like a wally. If 'Hunter' is your villain name, Then is your first name 'Holly?'
He flies, enraged, at Rabbit Man Who jumps and lands behind. He grip's the Hunter's gun-shaped arms: "I need these - do you mind?" His carrot-vision (great in dark) Spies the latest threat - Survivors trapped in burning rooms, But Hunter's not won yet!
With Hunter's guns he forces shots They hit the water tower. With splash applied the flames subside. This is The Rabbit's Hour. He says, " Say, Hunter - this is cool.. Guns for arms? Great power! But how will you ... you know... take leaks? Will these go in the shower?
A weeping Hunter's led away By cops who faintly snigger No point if you can't wipe your ass Having gun that's bigger!
Meanwhile....
"It's Rabbit Man we call you? I'm the Chief. Good job. One thing - where are the diamonds That the villains tried to rob?"
"They're here, safe. I dug them out Of wreckage in the street. Chief, if you need me again, The call is thumping feet."
"But how'd you find the diamonds? We couldn't even try!" "Well, Chief, this Rabbit always can Sniff out carats when they're high.
Next Time: Thrill at the terrifying terrors of the terrible Poacher! Meet Rabbit Man's new sidekick, Hoppy Buckshot! Thrill at Rabbit Man's underground lair, the high-tech Warren!
Rabbit Man: Rise Of The Rabbit • Opuss № I