I Found The Reason I Have Insomnia

At night when I am most weakest and held hostage by all thought I can't think of a day since then that I haven't thought about you..
I remember you daily and although sometimes I can see it through unfeeling eyes, the times that I can't I despise the most..

Whenever I feel cold at night I think of the weekend we spent together fighting over the blanket.. Or when you'd roll over and hold me in your sleep.. Or drool on me...

When I bite the skin off of my finger tips id think of the times you'd chew on yours and I'd either pull your hand away or get mad at you for spitting the flesh into my car..

When I watch certain shows I'd remember us laying in the bed, snuggled up together watching it and never remembering a thing simply because I was focused on being with you..

When I watch other people playing games I remember when I'd watch you play and be able to fall asleep to it..

When I have trouble sleeping I remember that when I was with you I'd have no trouble..

When I look at Mei-Feng I remember how you used to say she was our child..

When I see bears I remember how you used to talk about us having baby bears..

When I look up at people I remember when you'd say sloth and pull me to your chest like in the photo I sent you..

When I say 'wow' I remember how you act while under the influence and you wanted me to do something..

When I see little Mexico I think of how you paraded me through those streets, being the lightest one there..

When I see Marvel or even Tekken I'd think to myself that you're never going to teach me how to play it..

When I see rappers and hear your interest in songs I'd think of the times we listened to it together and how you'd never let me play any other songs..

When I see my car I rarely think of how we bought it together..

When I see Wells Fargo I think of you and how you told me you'd rather be with your friends than me..

When I see Victor I think of how you'd rather his company and weed than mine.

When I see weed I want to smash it to a million pieces remembering how you'd make me smoke it constantly..

When I feel nauseous it reminds me of you and your habit..

When I try to sing and fail painfully I think of your pipe..

When I go online and see the anniversary present I bought you a few days before you broke up with me the 4th time I think of how stupid I am..

When I see people talk about getting back together or more chances I think of how stupid I am..

Whenever I go out driving I think that maybe I'd see you and hate how I'd scan similar cars..

When I go around town I hate how I can't go certain places because the very thought of seeing you breaks me down..

When I see people who resemble your mum I'd cry because I miss her and her love for me so much..

When I see posts that say things like 'if she comes back to you she's the one' or 'if she can still be with you despite the past she's the one' I get furious because I feel like I'm that person who'd do that for you..

When I see your ex and my gay ex best friend I'd get so hurt that he did this..

What I hate the most is how you played with me..

Now I see that it was an unhealthy relationship and that I wasted 1 1/2 years waiting on you to be together for just 1..

Most of all.. I HATE that I still miss you..