Where's My Head At?

I'm sure I had rational thought,
Once upon a time.
Though when that was seems far ago.

For suspicious thoughts are hounding me.
And clouding all my sight.
Stopping me from seeing all that is good.
From all that is just mine.

Yet these feelings I just can not shake.
And I don't know of their origin.
But they seem to stick to me.
As if I am their maker.

Are they spun from media?
From my jealous glances outwards?
Or are they fashioned deep inside?
A place, I do not journey?

For I seen to want what I cannot have.
And it's spoiling all my wares.
As I know I have the brightest gifts,
That others wish to covert.

Their sparkling laughs,
Unconditional love.
I know I am not worthy.
But still, with my unsettled mind,
I strive for things that would be harmful.

My selfishness has no constraints.
And I too weak to curb it.
Another path calls oh too strong.
I can not beat to ignore it.

I need some luck.
I crave some power.
My mind is struggling so.
No one ever warned me.
That, this ambitious drive I have.
Would meet its perfect little match.
In all my mummy essence.