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What are the three fastest means of communication. Internet, telephone, telawoman..
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Stories by @albisher (529)
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Why is money called dough. Because we all knead it..
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Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist. A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from..
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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road. A: To prove he wasn't chicken..
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A girl says to her boyfriend, One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy says thanks for the warning!.
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Question: What do you call a gay dinosaur. Answer: Mega-sore-ass..
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Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating. A. To stop the snoring before it starts..
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Q. What do you find in a clean nose. A. Fingerprints!.
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The life is like a short show when the actor finishes his turn he dies so u have to act well In ur life before ur turn finishes.
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Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!".
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What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree. Hold onto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!.
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The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1. What are you thinking about. 2. Do you love me. 3. Do I look fat in this. 4. Do you think she is prettier than me. 5. What would you do if I died?.
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Q. What is the cheapest meat. A. Deer balls, there under a buck..
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A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire"..
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All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!.
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Teacher: What happened to your homework. Pupil: I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it..
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Some times when I sit alone I see my life flashes like a show I thought it was just a dream but I realized that it was my real life.
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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children. A: Ask your mother..
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Two men are sitting in a pub and one says to the other 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. His buddy replies 'You're so fucking lucky. mine is still alive!'.
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Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar. She heard that the drinks were on the house..
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I Love You is 8 letters long. Then again, so is bullshit..
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Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird. A: She threw it off a cliff..
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Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house. A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV".
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While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma.
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On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said. Later, he offered her a cigarette.
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Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet. A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills..
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Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys. A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving..
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
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What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you. Pull the pin and throw it back!.
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Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it. A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine..
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Boy and girl in class asked the teacher: "Can kids of our age have kids?" Teacher replied " NO Never!!" Boy said to girl : "See I told you not to worry!!!!"..
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Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calculator. A: She couldn't find the 10 key..
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Teacher: I am beautiful. Which tense is this. Pupil: Obviously the past tense..
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The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10% enters the female, and you wondered why the sea tasted so Fu*kin salty!.
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One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home..
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Mother to Teenage Daughter : "I think its time that we should talk about SEX." Daughter : "Yes Mom, What do you want to know ?"..
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Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
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What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild. Money..
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Q. How do you confuse a blonde. A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner..
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Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where you get your shitty ideas from!.
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Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets. A: She went looking for the three guys..
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Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory. A: For throwing out the W's..
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Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common. A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them..
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Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
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Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?.
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One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
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Fact of life: When a girl attains maturity, she wants to wear a bra... When a boy attains maturity, he wants to remove that bra....
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One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look.
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Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common. A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get..
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Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water. A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast. I just got laid a minute ago.".
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A blonde was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for her ticket, she told the blonde, 'I'm sorry. Your ticket isn't for first class.
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This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog. ... Now read without the word dog #happy new year .
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Yo mama is so fat that when she went bungee jumping in a yellow dress, everyone was screaming the suns falling!.
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A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
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Coalition forces fighting in Iraq come from all over the world. Sticking his head into the Oval Office, Karl Rove reported: "Bad news, Mr. President-three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in...
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A blonde goes into a Best Buy. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
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A girl says to her boyfriend, One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy says thanks for the warning!.
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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis, he said,...
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Edward and Ricky are hunting, when Ricky keels over. Frantic, Edward dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead.
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A Sexy Police Woman with Notepad in Hand Says to Drunk Man. 'Anything You Say Will be Taken Down'. Man Replies: Your Panties..
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Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night....
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Q. What do you find in a clean nose. A. Fingerprints!.
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Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested. Pupil : A teacher..
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The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1. What are you thinking about. 2. Do you love me. 3. Do I look fat in this. 4. Do you think she is prettier than me. 5. What would you do if I died?.
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A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
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Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators. A. They chip their teeth..
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During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way.
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All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!.
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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you. Run - she is still holding the grenade!.
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The queen of England was visiting one of America's top hospitals, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
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Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar. She heard that the drinks were on the house..
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A lady and a lion were kissing each other inside a cage in the circus ring.
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Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house. A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV".
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Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet. A. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills..
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
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He came to me one night, explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill. When he was satisfied, he left... I was hurt... F***IN MOSQUITO.
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In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear.
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What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you. Pull the pin and throw it back!.
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Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it. A: Nothing, it just let out a little whine..
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Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and 7 on a calculator. A: She couldn't find the 10 key..
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Pupil: Would you punish me for some thing I didn't do. Teacher: No, of course not. Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework..
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One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land. When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home..
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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
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Banana and a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana turns to vibrator: I don't know why you're fuckin shaking, she's going to eat me!.
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Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets. A: She went looking for the three guys..
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Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory. A: For throwing out the W's..
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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.
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NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones..
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One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
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A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed.
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The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full.
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A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
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A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
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Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn't see very well because of the nun's little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave.
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Three blonde nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day.
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What is a knight's favorite fish. A swordfish!.
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Which fish go to heaven when they die. Angelfish!.
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Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!" Her friend said, "O.K.
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