30 November 2012
I tried to catch a plane today. I failed miserably. Those things are quite massive and heavy as feck. To celebrate this, yesterday, I decided to go to a fiesta. It was fortunate that no one had stolen it. However after further inspection I found that one of its wheels had been taken without consent from the owner.
I learned from a fishmonger called Harold that he had committed the crime. I know this because he told me. He did not apologise for his wrongdoing. Harold felt it appropriate to slap my face with a haddock though. I could not ascertain as to why but I applauded his enthusiasm for his fish battering skills. I found that he did not follow the correct recipe. He had not used ale in the mix so I had to mark him down for that indiscretion. I sold the rest of the car to Harold, he had one of the most important parts of it already, so I figured that it was the right thing to do.
I proceeded onwards into the depths of Bradford and purchased a few small portions of apricot. I then decided to give various pieces of apricot to various people in the street, one of which was wearing a hat. Although on reflection it may have been an afro.
It was apparent that these apricot acceptors had been spending most their lives, living in the gangsta's paradise. I was accepted into their ranks and now I live in the hood with my brethren.
So, what can we all learn from this?. If someone thieves your cars wheel, you may want to consider selling the rest of it to the thief. Apricots are the secret to being accepted into a gangster fraternity. Last and by no means least, haddocks can be used as a weapon and last but by no means least, playing catch with an aeroplane is not an appropriate or safe pastime.
Banana Mamma And Clutching At Straws • Opuss № I