9 March 2013
Overlong hedgehogs terrorised the quaint shanty towns of the North East of England. Scientists and the WWF (thats the World Wildlife Fund and not the Word Wrestling Federation now known as World Wrestling Entertainment) believed the cause of such mutation was the readily available dregs left in discarded bottles of a beverage known to the local human populace as 'Newkie Brown' that regular sized hedgehogs feasted upon when supplies were abundant. As drinking alcohol and littering are favourite activities of northerners this occurrence was quite common. Those are of course clearly rumours. Ever since the mandatory fifty pence per unit price law on alcohol, the citizens of North East England can not afford to partake in brown ale. The truth of the origins of the overlong hedgehogs is far more disturbing, far more disturbing indeed.
It all began one day. It had to really.
Back in the olden days when things made sense and them things were not made in China, a lone schoolboy called Bob wandered the streets in his Dr. Martens and Levi denim trousers, purchased from Geordie Jeans, contemplating on the question that many a young boy of his age contemplated, who is better?. Could the answer be Peter Beardsley, Chris Rea or George Stephenson?. In the North East of England this is a right of passage. Knowing the answer is the difference between being identified as a man or a boy by your peers and elders. Toffee. Chris Rea has his merits but he does sound like he has swallowed a bowl full of gravel. Peter Beardsley could kick a football really, really well but might not know his way around a goldfish bowl and George Stephenson invented the light bulb but that American fella took all of the glory. It was a dilemma and Bob did what every boy his age did when confronted with unfathomable questions. He asked his dad.
Bob's dad was called Dad when Bob addressed him but to his colleagues at work Bob's dad was known as Bob because his name was also Bob. It could get confusing at home so Bob's family created a special system to ensure that any comical misunderstandings could not occur. Bob was called Bob and Bob was called Bob as well . The people who addressed a particular Bob did so by looking at the intended Bob in his face. If someone said Bob whilst looking out of the window for example, that same someone would turn around and then say Bob again but this time they would look at the particular Bob they intended to converse with, in his face. If Bob was not in the same room they would simply wait until Bob entered the room before addressing Bob. That was the code and it worked. The system had worked ever since Bob was born because it was not invented before he was born.
That is quite clearly enough about Bob, it has went on for far too long. Lets get back to the hedgehogs. The other hypothesis that explains why they have suddenly elongated themselves is that God did it. Although there is no evidence at all to support this claim all of the worlds Christians have accepted this as the truth, yes every single one of them. That's over two billion of them, that many people can't be wrong can they?.
Cauliflower.
Cauliflower Ears • Opuss № I