30 January 2013
Today is the day after tomorrow from the perspective of someone from two days ago.
Here is today's yesterday's news written yesterday and presented today on the 30th January 2013. (Please Note:It may not be yesterday news if you are not reading this today.)
•BBC News reports "UK bans sale of five alien plants"
- We have discovered life on other planets?. Holy shit!, do NASA know about this?.
And finally...
•Sky News Australia reports "Anne Hathaway excited about unemployment"
- In all fairness, it is not as if she is going to struggle to pay the electric bill at the end of the month.
And finally...
•The Daily Mirror reports 'Watching Dancing on Ice makes me physically sick'
- Whatever you do, do NOT watch Splash!. You will probably suffer from chronic diarrhoea and shit out a lung.
And finally...
•The Daily Mirror reports 'School introduces pigeon racing to the curriculum'
- What subject did they drop to accommodate it?. Nothing useful like Home Economics I hope or God forbid, Woodwork. The world can not function without spice racks and pizzas.
And finally...
•The Daily Mirror also reports 'Should I consider a sperm donor baby?'
- I hope that you would consider all types of babies. I do not know what you are considering them for exactly but it would be pretty shitty of you to introduce any type of baby to the realities of prejudice so early in their lives.
And finally...
•BBC News reports 'Footballer's defrosting car taken'
- It's a one of a kind item, surely no other car on the planet can defrost things. You would be bonkers not to take it. I feel inadequate now with my microwave.
And finally...
•BBC News reports "Toilet trouble for Dutch prince".
- Not content with invading the privacy of our own royals, the BBC goes looking further afield for mundane, royal nuggets of otiose drivel. Tomorrow HM King Tupou VI of Tonga will be interviewed. One of the highlights is his recollection of a time when he found a rusty nail lodged into a wooden fencepost on his estate and stared at it for several seconds.
•BBC News Reports ''Cats 'major threat to US wildlife''
- I have suspected for years that cats were to blame for global warming and climate change, this headline proves it. If the US would simply build more coal fired power stations then perhaps they could smog the cats to death, just like the Chinese do.
•BBC News Magazine reports on "How to take photos of your food".
- I will save you the hassle of reading their material. Use a camera the same way you would normally use one but this time point it at food.
•BBC News reports 'Microsoft launches new Office suite'
- The BBC do not give any indication of its trajectory so I would advise all to stay indoors for the foreseeable future.
•The New York Times reports "The Agent Arn Tellem Urges Ouster of Union Chief Billy Hunter"
- It appears that our friends in the old colonies do not in fact report on news. They apparently only post random tongue-twisters. I've tried four times already. I can't do it.
•The New York Times also report "Incoming Chinese Leader Pledges Not to Bargain on Disputed Territory. Incoming Chinese Leader Pledges Not to Bargain on Disputed Territory"
- New York, New York. So good they named it twice. Obviously the Chief Editor of The New York Times liked this concept so much he applied it to the articles on their website. Incredibly brilliant marketing ploy. Either that or our American friends are so stupid they have to be told twice, just like that guy from the movie Goodfellas, Jimmy Two Times, " I'm gonna go get the papers, get the papers".
News To Me 2: The Sequel To New To Me • Opuss № I