16 February 2013
This is today's tomorrows yesterday's news today. Sponsored by bleach and reasonably priced life insurance for the over fifties.
bbc.co.uk reports "Disabled piglet gets tiny wheelchair"
- Cute but unfortunately it will not end happily ever after for Ms Oink. The piglets benefit will be cut now that she is not a 'lazy bastard'. She will have a meaningless life working 9 till 5 in a dead end job and her only reward at the end of it all will be ending up in a Findus 100% Beef Lasagne when she dies.
foxnews.mobi reports "Kardashian divorce ready for trial"
- Kim, you either get divorced or you don't. Divorce is not a pair of Gucci's. Divorce is for life not for publicity.
mirror.co.uk reports "Wanted: Cowboy who stamped on peacemaker's head in late-night attack"
- Where the fuck is this, 1837, Generic Wild West Town, America?.
independent.co.uk asks "Where do you go after you've been to the Moon?"
- I have not been to the moon. I believe you have mistaken me for someone from the 1970's.
bbc.co.uk reports "Two accused of shooting murder"
- In their defence Murder did have it coming.
theage.com/au reports "Massive asteroid whizzes past Earth"
- Cheeky bastard.
thenorthernecho.co.uk reports "Footballer breaks neck copying Klinsmann goal celebration"
- He did it wrong.
thenorthernecho.co.uk reports "Police urge people to check change as fake £20 notes spread across region"
- Surely we would want to check our £20 notes, bollox to change. What you said makes no sense. Go home police you're drunk.
That was news to me. Be sure to join me again tomorrow or risk being emancipated by Ebola and moves like Jagger.
News To Me Episode VII - Directed By J.J. Abrams And Featuring Harrison Ford, Formerly A Self Taught Professional Carpenter. • Opuss № I