12 February 2013
Here is today's today's news that was reported today by various news organisations which I have re-reported?. Today's news is about topics that have been mentioned today although the events may not have actually taken place today. They would have happened no doubt 'today' from the perspective of the day that the event occurred so please do not assume that the events and stories had taken place today. Please also do not assume that the event took place on the day it was reported or on the day that the event took place. I do not know when the events took place so for reasons of simplicity please refer to these stories as being 'today's news'.
BBC.co.uk reports "Vatican confirms Pope has pacemaker".
- Which one and does Gerry know about it?.
BBC.co.uk reports "Cat replaces iron in Monopoly game"
-... with a piano and a web cam?.
BBC.co.uk reports "US veteran receives Medal of Honor".
- I bet he is devastated, it is a shit game. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is loads better.
BBC.co.uk/Arabic reports " ﻣﺠﻠﺲ ﺍﻷﻣﻦ ﻳﺪﻳﻦ " ﺑﺸﺪﺓ " ﺍﻻﺧﺘﺒﺎﺭ ﺍﻟﻨﻮﻭﻱ ﺍﻟﻜﻮﺭﻱ ﺍﻟﺸﻤﺎﻟﻲ "
- America likely to declare war?.
nytimes.com reports on "Shooting in the Dark"
- Just when you thought Americans couldn't be any dumber they go and restore your faith in their dumbability.
nytimes.com report "Paying Top Dollar for Condos, and Leaving Them Empty"
-Yeah, that's the spirit America, fuck the economy!. You don't need an extra income, just lots of empty buildings. That'll show China.
nytimes.com report "Julia Pastrana, Who Died in 1860, to Be Buried in Mexico"
-It'll be a lovely ceremony, all of her family will be buried with her too.
bournemouthecho.co.uk reports "Republic close to collapse".
- Don't worry, Darth Vader kills the Emperor in the end.
mirror.co.uk reports "Most obese kids 'from middle class not poor families"
- How have you only just noticed?. Surely the half a billion or so African and Indian kids was a bit of a giveaway...
BBC.co.uk reports "Archaeologists find a body after a castle owner's death in 1698"
- Probably a Mexican.
That's it for today or if you are reading this tomorrow, yesterday.
News To Me Five • Opuss № I