17 February 2013
The news from yesterday reported in the style of walruses with selective amnesia. The walruses seldom forget things for they are walrus, protectors and patrons of the Arctic Ocean, but imagine for a moment one walrus suffering from slight head trauma and forgetting the news as it happened. Now imagine the same walrus remembering the events it had previously forgotten. Now imagine a gaggle of walruses going through the exact same thing. Traumatising isn't it?. This is the news as recollected by their collective minds if events such as those presented occurred in real life and not in the realms of cardboard and Lego bricks. Fear not brethren for there is salvation at the end. It involves weed.
bbc.co.uk asks "Why do radiologists miss dancing gorillas?"
- Because it makes them feel less sad than when they are watching dancing bears?.
bbc.co.uk reports "Man holding chips fights off attack"
- Just a regular Friday night out in Newcastle, not newsworthy at all.
bbc.co.uk asks "Can extreme calorie counting make you live longer?"
- Like bungie science?. I'd wager the bunsen burner makes it a bit more risky. So that's a no.
cnn.com reports "Iceland wants to ban Internet porn"
- Thats why MILFs go to Sainsbury's.
mtv.com reports "Beyonce Has Some Valentine's Day Tips For All The 'Single Ladies'!
- Let me guess. If you liked it you shudda puta ring on it?. O O O OOO O O O OOO.
boston.com reports "BC-BKC--Boston College- Florida St. Box,1st Ld- Writethru, BKC"
- Eh?. English words and lettering but nope, still unintelligible.
boston.com reports "BC-BKC--Villanova-UConn Box, BKC"
- Fuck knows what this means. This could actually be the beginnings of a true independent American language. Who am I to intervene?.
boston.com reports "Loopholes in bill to lower mandatory school age"
- Find them quickly. It is needed desperately.
boston.com reports "Guppies use ugly friends to seem more attractive"
- Firstly it is not currently the late 1980's or the early 1990's. Secondly heterosexuals are also known to use this technique. Great journalism. I am surprised the journalist even got a job considering that boston.com do not appear to print articles in English.
cambridge-news.co.uk asks "Do you recognise this old photograph of Cambridge?"
- No. I have never been to Cambridge.
fredericknewspost.com reports "Man cited for synthetic marijuana"
- And rightly so. 'Tis truly a noble cause.
So, who done the O O O's in their heads as if they were Beyoncé?.
News To Me Seven - Colonel Gaddafi's Revenge • Opuss № I