16 March 2013
This is some news from the past few days. It's not my fault.
bbc.co.uk reports "Ancient phallus shaped worm described"
- Let me guess, an old penis shaped worm?.
bbc.co.uk reports "Pope Francis quick to stamp his style on papacy"
- Probably not Gangnam...
edition.cnn.com reports "5 ways for Pope Francis to move forward"
- (1) In the popemobile (2) Not in the popemobile (3) On the back of a donkey just like Jesus (4) Carried by a mass of indoctrinated 10 year olds (5) Allowing Catholics to use condoms?.
bbc.co.uk reports "Expert plays down 'cyberwar' threat"
- Great, nothing to worry about.
bbc.co.uk reports "N Korea says US 'behind hack attack"
- but the experts just said.... we're all going to die now. Thanks BBC.
bbc.co.uk reports "US state to allow armed teachers"
- A victory for people with two arms everywhere. Equality at last.
nbcnews.com reports "'Zombie worms' have sex in whale bones"
- ?.
cambridge-news.co.uk asks "Did coffee dregs predict election of Pope Francis I?"
- No you fecking moron.
suttonguradian.co.uk reports "Pizza horror: Vegetarian finds his Tesco margherita covered in pork"
- Best story ever but could have been even funnier if the vegetarian in question was Muslim and the pork was somehow halal pork but not actually pork, perhaps horse meat?.
thelocal.fr reports "Inquiry launched into causes of 'French stench'"
- Onions and their unwillingness to bathe?.
thelocal.fr reports "Renée, 80, traps head in radiator for three days"
- Correction, this is the best story ever.
bbc.co.uk reports "Hungary sends in tanks after snowstorm"
- What for?.
bbc.co.uk reports "'Night shift link' to ovarian cancer"
- I don't have ovaries, fuck you cancer. Unlucky women...also I am unemployed. Winning... twice.
japantimes.co.jp reports "Rules for online drug sales"
- Don't get caught and don't get high on your own supply?.
cphpost.dk reports "Woman stalked by serial bicycle-seat wanker".
- I guess that wanker has a different meaning in Denmark or perhaps they did indeed mean wanker?. It is more likely that the journalist is a fan of The Inbetweeners, journalist wanker. The possibilities are endless.
You can go away now.
News To Me Seven: Newer News That Is New News • Opuss № I