6 January 2013
Someone yesterday said they were suffering from writers block and asked for ideas. I gave that person an idea and they did not use it, so I have. Moral of the story, you snooze and you loose. __________
Florence McGregor sold disheveled onions to the war torn folk of Hull. It was her opinion that disheveled onions held the secret to happiness and if one ate plentiful amounts they would absorb their secrets. Her psychiatrist thought otherwise of course as did the many scholars and philosophers whom she would debate this issue with.
One day Florence happened across another vegetable seller. His name was Mike and he sold deranged turnips. Mike advertised his turnips as holding the secret of happiness too. Florence was enraged by this claim for there could only be one vegetable that holds the secret to happiness, kind of like The Highlander but without immortals or Sean Connery. She insisted Mike did not have any proof to validate his claim, she went as far as calling him a charlatan.
Mike tried to reason with her using facts, he stated that he could not sing, he could not play any instruments and he certainly was not Tim Burgess, Mark Collins, Martin Blunt, Tony Rogers or even Jon Brookes. Mike also went on to explain that he was also not anyone who was previously a member of the group, but would not go on to name those, who had released classics such as How High and Just When You're Thinkin' Things Over.
Florence was not convinced so challenged Mike to a duel of the vegetables. A sacred test, known only by vegetable sellers, that had been passed down through at least one generations of vegetable sellers. Some say that its origins are mired in mystery but can be traced back to John James Sainsbury who was thought to have founded the supermarket Sainsbury's, although that is purely anecdotal and can not be proven at all.
The victor of the vegetable duel would once and for all prove which of the vegetables really did hold the secret of happiness. Unfortunately, before the duel could get underway, Mike suffered a freak injury when he grew a second nose. The details are too graphic to go into.
So, we will never learn which of the two fabled vegetables holds the secret to happiness, that is unless we eat copious amounts of them and who wants to do that?.
Of Onions And Men • Opuss № I