9 March 2013
Condiments come in very handy if ever you need to season food. If you don't need to season food then condiments are not very handy at all. I suggest that if you do not need to season your food you can simply throw out the condiments or if you like to be smug you can give them condiments to charity.
That reminds me of the time I gave stuff to charity. I gave a charity a bin liner full of my clothes that did not fit me anymore because I became a fatty. Next day I walked passed the charity place whilst riding my mobility scooter and discovered that the scummy buggers were trying to sell my old clothes. Never again. I thought I was clothing some poor street urchin from Sierra Leone but I was really lining Mavis' pockets. The moral of the story, beware of silver haired, eighty year old minxes who dwell in charity places because they will con you and leave you looking like a fool who can be taken advantage of.
But who discovered potatoes and why is this topic linked with charity?. That question has been asked by many a person since the dawn of man.
History tells that Sir Walter Raleigh introduced potatoes to this septic isle early in the sixteenth century. History, I am ashamed to say, has told you a lie. It was not Sir Walter Raleigh who introduced potatoes to this septic isle early in the early sixteenth century, no, it was someone else. The story, the truth, goes something like this... actually it went exactly like this...
The year was 1582 and Sir Walter had just returned home to England from his round the world tour of Barbados. It was hurricane season wherever Barbados is and because of this, Walters ship, The Good Ship Sea Ship had lost half of her crew and half of its masts. It's engines had also failed somewhere south of Africa and the remaining crew had not tasted fresh cow in at least one month. They were forced to eat cow that wasn't very fresh and they didn't likes it. Captain Walter, when his ship had been docked, ordered his crew to fix The Good Ship Sea Ship and replenish its stores for they were about to go where no man had gone before.
While in the waters of Barbados the captain had become friendly with a local who's name was Gary. Gary told tales of a magical vegetable that could potentially feed the people of Ireland unless there happened to be a famine. The new and exciting vegetable was called a patata. Gary was Spanish and because of this, this is what he called the vegetable he was talking about. Sir Walter was a sensible man and thought that naming an edible substance a patata was stupid. In his infinite wisdom he renamed it 'the potato'. Equally Gary in his infinite wisdom though that the name potato was equally as stupid so he continued to call it a patata. The mystical vegetable, Gary said, could be found only in one place. A place where everyone is free apart from those who are not. The lands of Saf America. Gary pointed to where they could be found exactly on Walters map. Sir Walter, being a noble gentleman, was not at all surprised by this information. He insisted he knew all along where these potatoes could be found. He was just testing Gary. Walter decided that Gary knew too much. This was privileged information and cretins such as he should not be privy to this type of knowledge. Sir Walter fed Gary to sharks in an attempt to kill him. This worked. Gary got killed by and then eaten by sharks. True historical records do not know the exact number of sharks that eated Gary. They only mention the amount as 'some'. Mathematicians believe that this could be anywhere between two and an infinite amount of sharks. We simply will never know the true figure. It is truly a shame.
So Walters ship had been repaired and food stores restocked, all he needed now was half a crew to compliment the half of a crew that he had. He advertised in all of the local newspapers and taverns and also advertised in Scotland for reasons unknown to science. There were many applicants and he recruited exactly half of them. One of the applicants was Bob Geldof, King of the Boom Town Rats. Evidence suggests that Bob was Irish. This was highly unusual if true as Ireland had yet to have been discovered. Bob became Walters second in command and while Walter wasn't looking he changed course and pointed The Good Ship Sea Ship in the direction of a continent he called Africa. Along the way unbeknownst of Walter, Bob managed to get the crew to donate some of their money to a fund he had set up to help poor Africans. When they landed in Africa, Sir Walter thought that he was on Saf American soil so he set out on a mission with a handful of men to find the fabled patata, sorry, potato. Sometime between a Monday and Friday Sir Walter caught typhoid and died to death. Bob Geldof was stricken with grief. It was his fault, he knew it and he felt guilty for the loss of this great and clever man. There was only one thing for Bob to do. He died his hair, stopped speaking Irish and took on the identity of Sir Walter Raleigh. He got back in The Good Ship Sea Ship with his crew and sailed all of the way to Saf America and he discovered the potato, he discovered the patata, he made the discovery in the honour and memory of Sir Walter Raleigh and then brought the potato back to England. Bob Geldof still acting as Sir Walter Raleigh was executed a few years later. So things aren't all roses and Mars bars.
Look -----> trees.
Sir Walter Raleigh And Things • Opuss № I