5 October 2012
When I was a lad we didn't have stairs. Nope, none at all. Your generation have got it easy.
Now when I was a lad our bathroom was on the second floor of our house and to get to it we had to fashion a climbing structure out of food from the larder. Every time we needed to have a shit we had to build a fourteen foot climbing frame from goats legs, beef sausages and the occasional tin of Heinz baked beans and because of this, it was vitally important that, after using the toilet for means of offloading a turd that hands were washed. Tins of beans, that's another thing. You can easily buy them now from places called shops and seedy looking dealers on street corners but in my day, there was no such luxury. Shops were just a twinkle in the eye of Mr Sainsbury. We had to go out and hunt for tins of beans on the heath. The little buggers were hard to track down. One time me and my brother Mary were out on the heath from dawn till dusk and managed to trap only one tin. That's one tin to feed my family. All eight hundred and eleven of us. Back when I was a lad, tins of beans were fucking massive. Easily the length of a small domestic cat but weighed the same as a large one. We were lucky. Times were different then, it was always four thirty and never half past four. If we came back from the heath with nothing there was always a slight chance that we could have been the evening meal. Makes you think doesn't it?. Remember my plight and what life used to be like the next time you are scoffing on your beans or indeed sitting on the toilet trying to push one out. Stairs are a luxury I tell you. A luxury. When I was a lad luxuries hadn't even been invented yet. If someone came up to you in the street and asked if you would like to enter a raffle to win a luxury food hamper you would think they were mad. They might as well have asked if you wanted a dankofano food hamper. But what is a dankofano you say?. Well my friend it is what we used to have before luxuries were invented. For example, 'this toilet paper is very dankofano' or it could be used as follows 'this ice cream is extremely dankofano', although ice cream hadn't been invented either yet at that time so that example isn't as valid. Now though you can go upstairs anytime you want and you can eat your luxury beans upstairs when ever you want. You bastards don't know you were born.
Stairs: Mick Jagger Edition • Opuss № I