21 October 2012
About fifteen hundred and five years ago a young gentleman by the name of Ronald Van Aushvistesnsteinbergenstein, the third earl of Balaclava engaged in fisticuffs with a pauper named Jamal. In those days paupers could not afford a surname so Jamal was known only as Jamal the Pauper, descendent of many paupers and also many a prostitute. Sometimes he was mistaken for his twin sister Jamelia the Slut, daughter of a pauper and daughter of another slut that wasn't called Jamelia. That though is inconsequential as far as this story goes.
The shenanigans erupted between the two after the earl accused Jamal of eating his Yorkshire pudding that he had left unattended when he went to throttle a sheep for reasons that are unknown to anyone apart from the sheep and Ronald.
Jamal, being a pauper, did not know what a pudding was let alone what Yorkshire had to do with anything. That was his defence to the accusation. The earl did not accept the paupers explanation so proceeded to stab him in his face with a bent and rusted spoon, repeatedly. Just to clarify it was just the one spoon that was both bent and rusted and definitely not two spoons, one being rusted and the other being misshapen. The face stabbing hurt Jamal quite a bit, it in fact killed him to death.
As Ronald removed the spoon from his foes face he slipped on a spillage, ruining one of his white shoes. It was covered in blood. Being the third earl of Balaclava, he could not be seen wearing one red and one white shoe so he discarded the red one in the very country lane where he stood and there it remains until this very day. I am not quite sure why or indeed how the shoe had lasted for fifteen hundred years, I did not really think about that when I started this story. Lets just say it was a magic shoe once belonging to a vampire or werewolf. I understand the kids like that kind of shit?. Thus this is the exact events of the fabled Battle of Balaclava. There was no such thing as a Light Brigade. What is a Light Brigade exactly?. An army carrying lights?. It is a rubbish idea, you could see them coming for miles.
The End.
The Battle Of Balaclava • Opuss № I