14 March 2013
Because people is dumb I thought it was about time that someone created a guide to help people live their lives in a better manner so that they don't die. I also decided that someone, in this case, is me.
LOOSE WEIGHT Stop eating lots of food fatty. It is that simple. You don't need a diet designed by people in lab coats at NASA or Jamie Oliver. Diets are for stupid people. I bet that you have been on at least six different kinds of diet in your life so far and none of them have worked, right?. They all failed to help you loose weight for the same reason and the reason is that they are all a humongous con. All you need to do is stop eating lots of food, especially so if that food is cake, gravy and gravy on Snickers.
EXORCISE You don't need to buy Davina McCall's latest DVD. You do not need to buy a gym membership. You don't need a space age fitness track and field fibre optic leotard that wicks away your bodily fluids as you exorcise which costs about £300 to purchase at JD Sports. These are there and designed solely for the purpose of attracting fat idiots who have too much money. Everyone on this planet has access to a completely free of charge fitness machine and workout system. It is called your body and outside. So get your fat ass off the couch son and get your self outside. Walk, run, swim. It's not that hard.
STOP SMOKING Most smokers enjoy smoking. I used to smoke so I know the pleasurable joys of filling ones lungs with formaldehyde, hydrogen cyanide, arsenic and hydrazine while standing outside in the rain catching pneumonia from peasants who don't own umbrellas.
The fact of the matter is smokers are destroying their lungs and doing so will hinder exorcise, especially more so if smoking kills the smoker to death. Smokers know that it is a bad idea to smoke but they do anyways. Sometimes smokers try to quit but can't because of what they believe to be 'addiction'. It is a load of bullshit. Smoking is not addictive, it is enjoyable, that is the only reason smokers continue to smoke.
Quitting death sticks of doom is a really easy thing to do. I am about to give the ultimate secret away to you which I guarantee 100% will stop you smoking. It is a bit of an earth shattering realisation so you might want to sit down, call a press conference with the One Show and Daybreak and have a cup of tea ready. Are you comfortable?. Good, then I shall begin...
When you go to the shop instead of buying a packet of cigarettes, don't. ______________
That's all there is to it. Now that I have saved your life by making you less fat and smelly I will accept your gratitude in the form of cash.
You're welcome.
The Insanely Simple Guide To Being Healthy So You Don't Die Of Being Fat And Unhealthy. • Opuss № I