16 November 2012
History would tell you that the Norman Conquest was an event or a number of them that took place in the year 1066 in England, which by coincidence was the same year as the Battle of Hastings. History has told you a lie. Well, the Battle of Hastings is true, there is proof of that in the form of a tapestry. Facts were only accepted at the time if presented in cloth. If you tried to speak the events no one would believe you and to make matters worse, Twitter had not been invented yet.
What I mean is that the Norman Conquest did not happen. At least not as History tells it.
It all began on the 28th of September 1066. A king by the name of Norman of Berkshire was the king of Berkshire. His advisor Dave advised him that he had just completed a tapestry course at the college of fine needle point. King Norman was not interested.
Meanwhile somewhere else, off the coast of England, another king whose name was William was about to invade England with a lot of soldiers who were all called Norman. Now, King Norman was not happy about this. He told his advisor Dave to go and tell them to go away as it may cause confusion among the plebs. The army of Normans did not take kindly to this. In fact they made it their only goal to destroy King Norman and every other person called Norman in the lands of England, pleb or nobility.
Suffice to say they did exactly that. All Normans were defeated and slain. Dave, the former Royal Advisor, was told to depict at the decree of the army of Normans, in the form of tapestry an alternative history. One where for some reason some fella on a horse got shot in the eye with an arrow.
You may have noticed, even to this day, the mistrust people have in those called Norman.
There you go. The Norman Conquest. The truth revealed at last.
The Norman Conquest • Opuss № I