23 December 2012
The world today is waking up to news that Christopher Kringle, the inventor of Christmas has disappeared.
The reports are thin on the ground but many security experts believe that the animal rights movement PETA may be behind the disappearance. We tracked down one of the organisation members, thought to be the leader, Peta, 23 from Essex. She told us exclusively that "I have nothing to do with this".
Our reporter was very suspicious. He noted that during the interview she was naked except for a modest thong and she became very irate when she was told we were not from Nuts magazine and did not bring a photographer with us.
CCTV footage has shown what is believed to be 'Santa', as he is affectionately known. He was spotted entering into a Fjord Fiesta, attired in red trousers and a red jacket somewhere in the north of Norway. Although there is little evidence to suggest Norway even exists.
In a bizarre scene Santa appeared to be chasing a Coca Cola truck. Santa was not seen wearing his hat so it is understood that the truck driver may have actually stolen it. Or in all likely hood Santa was drunk and thought the truck was some kind of Christmas killing machine. CCTV footage had earlier shown him downing a bottle of whiskey in under one minute. My editor would like me to point out that whiskey is actually spelt whisky.
We contacted Santa's head office for an official update. Head Elf Buddy Hobbs refused to comment, after first asking our reporter to state his favourite colour. Which is mauve, for the record.
Nothing as of yet is known of the true whereabouts of Santa or his reindeer, however a new swerve in the story has emerged. An ex pimp turned socialite Derbridge Aristrobrat Falcone claims that he has evidence that Santa, through years of training, has developed the power of flight, yes, he believes Santa can fly. Derbridge understands Santa has in fact left earth and is in search of new life and civilisations and will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Is this the end of Christmas?. Who knows, you decide. To vote for your favourite theory Text SANTA to SANTA Texts cost £3 plus standard network charges. From every text, £3 goes to us. Please do not vote after the cut off point as we will still charge you and will ignore your vote. For full terms and conditions that you will neither read in full or understand, visit our website. We reserve the right to bombard your mobile with spam for all eternity. Not ©News
You Wouldn't Elf'n Believe It • Opuss № I