16 February 2013
And then he comes along and makes you remember very, very vividly.
I sat reading The Great Gatsby at the kitchen table after really only seeing Paul a few times that day.
My phone started buzzing and I looked to see an incoming call from Paul.
I answered with a simple, "Hey."
"So, there are a few changes in Sims," Paul announced. "You and I divorced."
It was good I was sitting down, because the peace I had felt all day was crushed in just one second.
I didn't know why what he'd just said hurt so much. Most likely because we'd been married for more than a year. More likely because...well...we were married. And now we're not.
"Oh?" I asked, snatching up a pen and scribbling on a tiny pencil sharpener.
"Yes," he said. I could hear the smile in his voice. "You moved out. And moved in with Carrie."
"Oh, goody," I said softly.
"Ugh, and now I need to find someone new to marry," he went on. I could literally feel literal pain in my chest. "Let's see...Sally's already married. Heather's already married...hmmm...maybe I'll marry Carrie. Except...that would be kind of awkward. Cuz you guys are roommates and all." He laughed at his own joke.
I did nothing.
"Should we stay friends?" he asked. "I mean...that divorce was pretty heavy."
"I don't know," I snapped, tears pricking my eyes.
Then, I cleared my throat. "I mean...I..."
A marriage that had lasted a year had just ended. I didn't care that it was on a stupid game. What that marriage meant...it was enough to feel the pain I felt.
Our house, our children...it was all fake, but the feelings associated with it...the conversations about our little family...
"You're a terrible mother," Paul had laughed on the phone.
"You're a terrible father!" I'd cried.
"Let's name our new daughter Alcatraz," Paul dared me. "Please, I'm begging you."
We were crying from laughter.
"I love our family," he said.
My heart hammered.
"Our son has your eyes and my hair," he said softly. "His name is Xavier."
"I like that name," I replied, smiling.
"Our daughter's gonna have your hair and my eyes," he announced.
On my camera roll, there is a picture of Paul's Sim proposing to mine. He's on one knee, a box open, a ring glittering in front of me. My face is shocked, my hands up in a gesture of surprise.
That was a year ago.
And now, now it doesn't mean anything anymore.
It's so silly how hurt I am. It's just a game, but...but...
But...
I don't know how to finish that sentence. I wish I could convey why it all meant so much to me...but...I don't know how.
I was happy when my mom called me to come set the table for dinner, and quickly hung up on him, blinking back my tears.
Well...This Is New - 44 • Opuss № I