5 September 2012
"I'm more than just an option, refuse to be forgotten"
I remember the day I realised I totally loved you. The day I thought, "why can't we be together?", the day I decided to tell you I love you. Those who were around to witness the struggle on Opuss will know I faltered many a time before I told him. And maybe I expected the rejection but a small part of me hoped that you'd say "fuck yeah let's do it!"
Life isn't that easy though. And you never said no...you just never said yes either. Hypothetically we said. If you got a job back in London, if I hadn't moved to Canada, if I was still single, if the feelings hadn't changed - then hypothetically it could work.
"I took a chance with my heart, and I feel it taking over"
The rational part of me just hates how emotional I've become. But you broke me, in a good way. Every joke, insult, kiss, touch, hug, adventure - you broke me and moulded me. I want to be better because of you. I want to have beautiful babies with you. It's fucked that I know what we would name our son - yet I don't even know if you love me enough to create that life. But late at night, when you hear the strain in my voice - you reassure me it's real. You exist. This connection we have is unique. That I'm special. In so many ways to your life. You put a smile on my face and on my heart. You heal the wound that distance has created.
"You hear but you don't listen, you better pay attention"
Maybe your ex fucked you up. Or my dickhead of an ex is a unnecessary worry in your mind. Or the fact we didn't meet under normal circumstances. Our relationship grew from the flames of a dying one. But I'd do it again. You hear me? I will never regret meeting you. I don't even know how my life would be without you. You rule so much of it and unknowingly, you're my number 1. I don't need you constantly but I need you. I want to make you smile, to ease the worry away. I want to see the world through your eyes, see you light up from within when we explore something new.
"I'd better find your loving, I'd better find your heart"
Not many people can claim to have found the one. I don't think it's a real thing. But if I had to say it - you're pretty close. You're a dick but you're my dick. I love the way we insult each other - the pretend play fights that don't even last a minute cos I break out in giggles. We're not normal. But we suit each other. You know no one else has ever come close to what we have. I love you freely and without requesting anything except you love me back. January is a few months away, the dreaded deadline. I don't think I could walk away from you.
"I bet if I give all my love then nothing's gonna tear us apart"
I'm giving all I have to you.
3 Weeks - Letter 4 • Opuss № I