21 November 2012
Children are abused in different ways by parents, relatives and strangers these days. It's a sad fact that most people either growing up abused or know someone who has been abused. Like I said, there's different ways. Sexual abuse is probably the most common type.
Today children, we'll discuss emotional abuse.
I wish I could say I had a happy childhood, and for the most part, I did. I compare it to children in other country, I had a roof over my head, hot meals, a bed to sleep on and school was only a 15min walk away. Can't really complain right?
But my parents were very different to the other parents of my friends. For one, they worked all the time. I mean all the time. I spent most of ages 9 & 10 alone. This part I particularly enjoyed, setting my own bedtime, watching Cartoon Network till whenever I wanted, coming home and acting a fool - freedom!
I had lived quite a sheltered life until then, well I think so anyway. My real dad was an abusive alcoholic, to my mum and my brothers. I don't remember him hitting me but I'd seen the drunken violence he was capable of. I had a live in au pair back in Kenya so I never really wanted for anything, I was lonely but looked after.
To better understand why we were in the UK, let me say I had medical condition that meant my mum and me came here for me to be a patient at Great Ormond Street Hospital (yeah I teared up when they had that scene during the Olympics).
I still remember the first day my step dad hit me. I mean full on hit me. I saw a flash of light and my ears didn't stop ringing for about an hour. My childhood dreams died about then.
I wouldn't say I was abused, I'm not defending him but it could have been worse. It regularly became a thing for me to be hit, it was more a punishment than random beating but still....I could never guess how sadistic it could be at times. Holding a small table over my head with my nose bleeding...begging for him to just hit me rather than endure the pain in my arms any more.
My mum only hit me once but it was memorable alright. And I bore that scar for about 6years before it faded away. She is more emotionally abusive, she's capable of destroying me with words and creating a hole me in, much more than just physical pain. This is the woman who was the muse behind 'Purgatory'...I will never be perfect for me. My happiness doesn't matter to her, my desires or dreams are to be based around what she approves. Oh she's supportive when she wants to be and I honestly thought we had turned a corner 2yrs ago, even more so when she stood by me through the break up. It wasn't to last though because a week after my birthday and after Purgatory, her acid tongue returned with a vengeance.
"You're too fat" "You're not woman enough" "You're meant to care for the man, not look like one" "Aren't you a woman?!" "Drinking will make you even fatter" "Do you even want anyone to love you?!"
The worst one, without knowing the full details surrounding me and the ex, came from the step dad "How do we know Mark didn't leave you because you weren't a lazy cow? You're meant to be married and now look at you, who would want you!" And all my mum did was state how disappointed in me, that until I looked good e.g. skinny, I would never find myself a man to love me.
Like I said, emotionally abusive. Oh I can reign in the tears but eventually I break. I crack and I wither and a part of me dies, a part of me stops believing I'm going to be happy because I can't see it. I don't see how I'll be happy.
I remember she's my mum, she was there when I was ill and in pain. But then I look back on all she's done, in her twisted way, that's how she's being supportive. How do you love someone who destroys you? The best moments of my life are now and I'm spending them wondering how soon I can escape. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to hate her all my life.
So emotional abuse, it runs deeper than you want it to.
Maybe tomorrow we'll cover the statistics of childhood abuse.
Sad Statistics • Opuss № I